Last night, as I was sitting in my garage, I was staring at my Porsche 911 and wondering what exactly it is that makes my car so beautiful.
Oh, I didn't mention I own a Porsche 911? A 997 generation Porsche 911 Carerra S, to be specific? Silly me. Sometimes when I meet new people, I forget to tell them that I own a Porsche 911 right away. Eventually, I find a way to bring it up and we have a wonderful conversation about its rich racing heritage, unmatched build quality, and unique handling characteristics. Often times they are so overwhelmed with reverence that they allow me to do approximately 95% of the talking. Their eyes soon glaze over with wonder, almost as if they are focusing on what is on the TV just behind my head, or even thinking about what might be on that TV a few hours from now.
It's powerful stuff.
Back to my story. I am staring at my 911, and I am wondering exactly why the car is beautiful. Surely it's not just the obscenely sexual and wide hips, or the staggered wheel fitment, or the fact that the fit and finish of the leather and other interior surfaces is of a quality that is practically unmatched in the automotive world.
No, there is something else, and I think I've got it figured out. I have invested many hours in this theory, which I predict one day might be called "The Rosetta Stone of Automotive Design." I am sharing this groundbreaking discovery with my fellow Opponauts first. Behold:
A CAR IS BEAUTIFUL IF THE HEAD OF THE DRIVER OF THE VEHICLE IS IN THE REAR HALF OF THE VEHICLE WHILE SAID DRIVER IS DRIVING SAID VEHICLE
A CAR IS UGLY IF THE HEAD OF THE DRIVER OF THE VEHICLE IS IN THE FRONT HALF OF THE VEHICLE WHILE SAID DRIVER IS DRIVING SAID VEHICLE
Now, I know this is a lot to understand all at once. It's taken me a long time to get here. So, I've taken the liberty of spending almost 10 minutes on a visual aid to help make my point. Which of the following cars is beautiful?
That Porsche 911? The Ford GT that was, clearly, hastily flipped horizontally in Photoshop to match the format of the rest of the photos? The Bugatti Atlantic, ladies? These are all obviously beautiful cars.
However, that Toyota Camry Hybrid is so revolting I am fighting back the urge to vomit just by looking in its general direction. It's unsightliness is an affront to even my peripheral vision. Nobody could argue that the Toyota Camry Hybrid is a beautiful car, and if they did I would surely knock them down and stomp upon them until I was satisfied that they were completely grounded to the ground for eternity.
So, there is my research. I feel that it is thorough and complete, but I also recognize, as a man of science, that I must present this for peer review. This is where you come in.
Is there a truly beautiful car that has broken this golden rule? Trucks, vans, and SUVs do not count. Show me I am wrong. I dare you.