It’s close to Halloween:

And that means that it’s time for “trunk or treat.” For those of you not familiar with this concept, it’s the result of gen-Xers and millenials who grew up in the 80s-90s and actually bought into the “satanic panic,” of the time. The world was getting more secular and heavy metal music was scary so obviously the changes going on had to be the result of a secret cabal of child-sacrificing Satan worshippers, and not societal changes in general.

Every year there was someone (usually a Falwell or Robertson or some other similar piece of human garbage) shouting on TV about how Halloween was the devil’s night and that Satan worshippers were hiding out in your own neighborhood waiting to poison your children’s candy apples or put razor blades in their Reese’s cups.


As with everything else out of a televangelist’s mouth, those stories were made up bullshit intended to scare up more tax-free donations. The one time it actually happened in the early 70s was a guy trying to poison his family for life insurance money.

Anyway, out of this fear, Trunk-or-Treat was born. You can find them in church parking lots on Saturday afternoons, full of self-important suburban moms who proudly wear the “I would like to see the manager,” haircut and dads who have Gadsden flags on the backs of their $60,000 pickup trucks.


It’s safer. It must be. Trunk-or-Treat protects the kids from the Satanists, weirdos, and sickos that secretly inhabit their neighborhoods. Never mind the fact that their child is much more likely to suffer some sort of mental, physical, or sexual abuse at the hands of the overly-friendly youth pastor or the big-money donating senior deacon.

Let the kids walk the neighborhood, assholes.

Illustration for article titled It’s close to Halloween:

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