You might be surprised to find that Hell on Earth is located in Kansas City Missouri... well actually it’s Randolph Missouri. I shall describe it for those of you lucky enough to have managed to stay clear of it thus far.

Imagine your typical township surrounded by a larger city. Now picture that township wedged into a piece of land bounded on the south by the Missouri River, to the west an Interstate, to the north a section of Kansas City dominated by over the road truck repair centers, and to the east a shitty section of highway that takes you to a bunch of towns that contain nothing but meth addicts and fireworks stands.

There is no industry in Randolph. No businesses. It’s just a bunch of houses that were pieces of shit 70 years ago when they were built and have gone down hill since. I think there has to be a city ordinance that requires one major appliance in your yard for every bedroom in your house.

The only reason anyone notices Randolph is the road that runs through the middle of town. You have to drive through Randolph to get to a shit load of industrial businesses and a casino + movie theater + restaurant complex just east of the city limits.

Now since there are no businesses and the total value of all property is probably somewhere around $75k, Randolph needs a source of income to operate. So.... the speed limit through town, even the portion that is fairly limited access, is twenty god damned miles an hour. Drive a sensible 25 through town and you risk the Randolph swat team coming after you.


Because there is so little multilane road in Randolph it is difficult for the police to pull speeders over inside city limits. They will routinely pull people over at the top of the ramp leading onto South-Bound I-435. That ramp is already one of the most dangerous in the KC area. It’s ridiculously short and dumps into a section of interstate that has just been necked down from three lanes to two. Anyone with half a brain realizes the danger posed by someone driving through Randolph at 25 or 30 is completely offset by the danger of making a traffic stop at the top of the ramp. Yet the city and police don’t care and keep right on with the practice.

I hope before I die I learn the secret of how this little pool of shitheels with questionable genealogy manage to keep thumbing their nose at Kansas City, the county and Missouri HP (who can’t like the traffic stops on their interstate).


I’ll hop down off my soapbox now. Just remember if you ever have to drive through Randolph give them the finger and don’t speed.…