[Manhattan, New York] Just outside the media hospitality room at the New York International Auto Show, an eager automotive press corp scribbled with hushed tones as Matthew Hardigree, Editor-In-Chief of automotive listicle platform Jalopnik, announced their first foray into consumer electronics.
“We live in a ever-changing, never-static, evolving synergy world,” proclaimed Mr. Hardigree. “In this world, especially given climate change, we need to utilize any available creative energy we can for the common good. The fact that I haven’t left this island in over two years only sharpens our resolve. I am proud to announce our very first piece of automotive hardware, a piece of technology we hope will boost energy efficiency to heights never thought possible. Introducing: the Fuel Snark!”
According to the shiny pamphlet provided to those with press credentials, the Fuel Snark harnesses the power of internet hot takes and applies this heat to the combustion stroke of each cylinder, increasing fuel efficiency.
“It’s quite simple really,” explained the device’s lead engineer, a Lifehacker writer whose name you wouldn’t remember anyway. “Carnot teaches us that the surest way to increase efficiency is to increase the temperature differential between ambient conditions and combustion. The internal combustion engine has extracted basically all of the heat possible from the fuel itself; so we had to look for cheap heat sources elsewhere. Internet hot takes were an obvious, elegant choice for this heat. With a simple 4G sim card, we can download hot takes straight from the internet and put them into the engine at the appropriate time.”
But the task was not that simple. “Given that Jalopnik is the least-trafficked Gawker Media Platform, we could realize marginal gains from their limited hot takes,” the engineer explained. “Our eureka moment came when we supplemented the Jalopnik feed with Deadspin, our male-interest and child-rearing blog. This provided a much larger volume of hot takes, allowing to to meet and even exceed our efficiency goals.”
Pricing has not been announced, though rumors suggest it will involve linking your Facebook Google, or Twitter account to the Fuel Snark.
We will provide more information as we have it.