It technically fits all of my requirements, so there’s that.

It’s got some miles on it (73k), and would require great care and feeding, but 590 tq at 2,000 RPM sounds like a good time...

https://www.mercedesbenzofwestmont.com/used/Mercedes-Benz/2013-Mercedes-Benz-E+63+AMG-43ff2b480a0d04fe7eda49170bd96b09.htm