If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Last night I bought dog food for a (probably?) crazy person to keep my grocery checkout line moving

My gym is conveniently located in a strip mall that also has a Halal Guys and a Food Lion. Last night after the gym, I went to Food Lion for some groceries, and the dude in front of me in the one and only non-self-check checkout line was causing mad problems.

After I had already started putting my stuff on the conveyor belt, I noticed this guy in front of me kept arguing with the cashier that items weren’t ringing up with the right price from the sign on the shelf. Repeatedly. And the way he was questioning these prices was not in the way a sane person would probably do it.

I thought about going over to the self check line, but I figured with the cashier scanning and me bagging it’d be way faster than me doing all kinds of produce in the self check lane. BEEP BOP BOOP....PLU 5243...ORGANIC CELERY...TWO....DOLLARS...AND...99....CENTS...ONE....DOLLAR...SAVINGS 


Then I loaded the rest of all my produce and also the Nathan’s Famous crinkle-cut fries that were the biggest package of something that fell under the $1 SAVINGS ON RESTAURANT FRIES coupon that I printed out at the handy custom coupon flyer printer at the entrance of the Food Lion, after I BEEP BOP BOOPED my phone number of course.


Dude was trying to use his EBT card and he was arguing about the balance with the cashier. He also kept on arguing about this big bag of dog food that was supposed to be $12 but it was ringing up as $20-something, and the cashier brought the manager over, and she re-scanned the dog food and said, “it rings up as $11.99 sir,” but the guy just couldn’t let go that this $20-something charge was on there, and what was it, and oh he also had to argue about the balance on the EBT card with the manager, and threatened to call the EBT card people right now, and then this shit happened.

Food Lion night manager who is Not Impressed At All With This Shit:

Sir, they’re not going to be open right now.

Crazy guy:

It’s an automated system.

Finally I got fed up with this shit. It was getting late, I needed to eat and the grocery shopping had already been longer than a quick stop. So I totally selfishly generously offered to buy this guy’s dog food for him. I had exactly $12 in my wallet but I wasn’t sure what the sales tax would be so I paid for it on my card and it was...$14-something? I dunno where $11.99 came from.


Guy thanked me, but was weird about it, because he was weird. He said if he can’t afford dog food he feeds “them” (I guess more than one dog?) rice. I thought to myself, shit, I’m glad this dude’s dogs get some dog food instead of rice for a change.

Then I rang up my groceries, and yes I and the cashier were speedy.

As I was finishing paying, the crazy guy came back in and thanked me again for the dog food, and apologized to the cashier because he realized the $20-something was a $24 bottle of laundry detergent he forgot he had already rung up.


Then I thought to myself, dude, if you’re haggling over the price of shit and your EBT card balance, why you buying $24 laundry detergent at the Food Lion. Dafuq? I buy the biggest, cheapest bottle of whatever brand’s no-scent/fragrance hypoallergenic one because while I lllluuuurrrve the sniffy laundry stuff, my wife doesn’t like the chemicals. At least she lets me use the non-sniffy dryer sheets. Usually it’s Arm & Hammer or All. Come on bro, don’t be buying that Tide or Gain! You need to be shopping in the All & Era part of the shelf. Then you could’ve paid for the dog food your own damn self.

After the crazy guy left, the cashier laughed to the manager and said, “are YOU going to take the apology?” I told them I figured the dude was clearly having issues and I just didn’t want the dog to suffer on account of that. So they got their food.


And finally, when I went home and unpacked the groceries and looked at the receipt, I saw a discount under the Nathan’s fries: $0.75. WTF Food Lion BEEP BOP BOOP coupon printer kiosk? That was supposed to be a $1 off. Oh well, they were only $2.99 to start with. And when I put them in the freezer I realized I already had an unopened bigass bag of tater tots in there.


They all will be eaten.

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