Okay, it seems we're stuck with the attitude that our cars are supposed to save our lives. Stability control, lane-departure warnings, auto-braking, etc now join the airbags, safety cages and ABS that we're familiar with or have at least grown to grudgingly accept. But are they enough? Hell no! Let's look at some new ways to save us from ourselves.

Tobacco Sensors!

Ever wish your car would sniff the inside air and display some anti-tobacco propaganda on the info screen every time you light up? Let's override the radio and nav to make sure you pay attention.

Speed Nag!

GPS can compare your speed to the posted speed limit, and issue a verbal warning to slow the hell down for Christ sake you do want to kill somebody THINK OF THE CHILDREN! This would be similar in concept to the speed warning some Buicks had in the 1970's, but that was just a buzzer. Think how much more effective a Judge Judy voice would be.


Butt Sensors!

How about a HC sensor in the seat cushion. Excessive "output" from the driver could trigger the display of helpful information about a more healthy lifestyle. Imagine the lives we could save if mandatory lectures came on about eating right every time you tooted. For that matter...


Big Ass Sensors!

Let's say you have a big ass. Computers can calculate your height based on the seat position and read your weight directly from another seat sensor. If your BMI falls outside acceptable limits, the info screen could display a helpful screed about how you're going to die you big fat fatty. The lecture could be stopped by having the driver recite "I'm a terrible person" once for every pound over optimum weight.


Auto-parking in the farthest available spot!

Parking at Wal-Mart? Have the info screen display available parking spots that are furthest from the door. That way you get a healthy walk. Along with a lecture, you know, just because. If you use the auto-parallel-park feature, the car will assume you're close to where you want to be and drive a couple blocks away before actually parking, for the same reason. Walking is healthy, you lazy, lazy person.


So that's all I can come up with. Let's see what y'all can do to make our lives better, courtesy of our cars.