Rusty old Bronco for safety image

Introspection can be a bastard. Knowing where your feelings come from can be hard to deal with, but it also helps me from having panic attacks at work.

The boss, who I’ve discussed before, is in a mood today. In addition to that, I made a mistake at work and ordered the wrong color for a car. The dealer rep and I discussed factory match, so that’s what I ordered. Customer requested a color that doesn’t come in that car, and so it became an issue.

When he heard of that he got angry. Knowing it was my mistake that caused the issue sent waves of panic through me. I’m not OK right now. I’m about to go outside and pop a clonazepam to calm me down.

The reason I feel so much anxiety about this guy is because I grew up with an alcoholic father who would fly off the handle at any little thing. I see the same behaviors from the boss but without the shouting and hitting. I also see his lip shaking and eyes twitching whenever something goes wrong so I wind up finding myself in the scared-child mode again despite the fact that I’m bigger and stronger, and likely faster than him. I wouldn’t have made it at this job this long without the operations manager and his easygoing buffer between us.

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Good thing I’m gone in a month...