ABS module is probably trash (I really don't know how to verify this, but it's the most likely option given what's wrong with my car), and it's $350 for a replacement plus all the dicking around to actually install it.

Time to try to convince my dad it's time to plunk down $1500 for a new car. Park Avenue, most likely, since then I can use the LeSabre as a parts car for it.

Mother fucker.