Metrics

Maybe it's just me. It seems that every time I show up to work in a new car, it sets off a chain reaction of co-workers buying new cars themselves. Perhaps I am merely a link somewhere in the middle of that chain reaction. What I do know is that when it comes to the workplace, there is almost always a culture of (perceived) one-upsmanship when it comes to cars.

When I first brought my BMW 328i coupe (E92) to work, it seemed to create some buzz. Even though my used 3er cost me one third of what many of my co-workers paid for their full-sized F-150's and GMC Sierra's, I was now perceived as the big spending money-maker. Slick looking BMW 2-door, must be worth a small fortune! Nice to be me, eh?

Not so much. You see, I'm down on horsepower. My N52 powered BMW is equipped with a minivan-like 230 horsepower. Two-hundred-and-thirty! Doesn't everything have 230hp these days? Probably! Yes folks, I drive a 230 horsepower car.

Advertisement

The Camaro contingent at work think I'm an idiot for wasting all of that money on my BMW when I could have bought a 315hp V6 Camaro like them. Oh, you wise Camaro contingent you!

One of the pick-up truck driving guys has suddenly taken to driving his mother-in-law's 335i cabrio to work, because 300hp! Ugh, drive your own shit, bro...

Worst of the worse is used Chrysler 300 with tinted lenses and 20" BOSS (?) pimp rims that has a HEMI! It has HEMI horsepower! Because HEMI! He does burnouts on his way out of the lot every day and is balding as fast as his tires.

The one common feature among these guys and the many more I didn't get to mentioning is that horsepower is the single largest metric in which they measure their car. Some of these are catastrophically terrible cars in terms of quality and dynamics, but look at the horsepower!

Advertisement

Look, horsepower doesn't suck in and of itself. It does suck because its prevelance as a measurement of a car's worth in day to day use is a farce. Like that super hot girl who is... why can't she just shut her fucking mouth!

At the end of the day I don't give a fuck how much horsepower your car has. I don't give a shit if you can crack a zero to whatever time in less seconds than it takes you to masturbate. If your car lapped the 'Ring at all, more fuck's I could not give.

Advertisement

It's all a gimmick.

Share This Story