Wife tried calling in an order for Japanese takeout, but they couldn’t hear us on the phone. Being the nice guy hubby that I try to be, I decided to drive down, place the order in person, and wait. That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was taking my wife’s Expedition. Her big, white, 2011 nice-ass Expedition. I don’t know why, I just took that instead of my CTS. Apparently, this vehicle screams “please fuck with me on the road”.

Third mistake was not putting the little red VW Golf R into the motherfucking over the curb and into the brick wall beside the road as he suddenly tried to blow my doors off with a VERY close pass (as in, his wheels were hugging the middle line, and he decided that me going the speed limit through a neighborhood was lame), because the son of a bitch decided to cut me off to such a degree that I had to slam on my brakes when he simultaneously changed lanes and came to a complete stop in front of me. I was turning left at the intersection we came to rest at, and he stayed just far enough back from the next car to keep me from getting through the light. I had to wait another cycle before I could turn. Yes, I gave him the finger.

THEN, I HAD TWO ASSHOLES DRIVING 10-15 MPH UNDER SPEED LIMIT AND NOT ACCELERATING, RIGHT UP UNTIL I TRIED TO PASS THEM. Then, they decided they were F1 drivers and slammed the skinny pedal to the floor. Should’ve bumped them, too.

So I’m waiting for my to-go order, trying to vent and calm down before I go all Mad Max on some poor bastard who has the misfortune of accidentally changing into my lane within two car lengths of me.

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Also, I need to get the Expedition a front end replacement brush guard. Not for wrecking cars fuck with me on the road, but for... like, other stuff I’ll think of later.

Here’s a pretentious ass Lambo that I saw yesterday for your time.