Today I learned an interesting fact about Porsche. They will not do whatever you want them to do, even if you are willing to throw an obscene amount of money at them. My uncle recently picked up a Turbo S, which I got to drive to the New Canaan Caffeine and Carburetors over the weekend. Let me tell you, it is an absolute dream. I’ve never felt acceleration like that before, and after driving it for a few hours I found only one minor issue with the car.

But my uncle had a major one: it isn’t a GT3 RS.

You see, he didn’t want a Turbo S. He wanted a GT3. As such, while our only real gripe with the new Turbo S was that it wasn’t loud enough, in his eyes the Porsche Turbo S will always be flawed.

You may be wondering, “why didn’t he just get a f**king GT3?”

Well, he tried. But this new 911 was going to be designated to daily driver duty. He still wanted to have some semblance of practicality so he could justify getting a completely impractical “fun” car this summer (Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is. This entire post is full of #firstworldproblems). He needed something that could carry more than two people. The third person doesn’t have to be comfortable by any account, but they have to be able to get in the car. Basically, he needed a back seat. As some of you may not know, the Porsche 911 does technically have a back seat, albeit not a very large one. And while it is only spacious enough for an average American 9 year old, that is more than enough room for my cousin for the next 6 years. His solution was to do what he did when he bought his Mini in 2004.

A little context: In 2005, my uncle purchased a JCW Mini Cooper S that was as fast as a Mini Cooper S JCW GP. How? He payed them a lot of money.

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So he went to the person he always goes to when he buys a Porsche, and after a few pleasantries and a status update on my aunt’s Cayenne S, he made his request. He wanted a GT3 RS with back seats. His sales asociate said “Sure! We can have them do that. But we’ll have to go through the Porsche Exclusive program.”

When the people at the Porsche Exclusive program were tasked with putting a back seat in a GT3 RS, they said no.

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Even when my uncle told the people at Porsche Exclusive that he would take his business back to Ferrari and get an FF, the answer remained the same.

A dry, unapologetic “Nein.”

So he did what any of us would do. He told the people at Porsche Exclusive to fuck off, and then he bought a Porsche Turbo S. This weekend, with every GT3 RS we walked passed at Caffeine and Carburetors, he let out a little sigh. Each was a symbol of Porsche’s unwillingness to tamper with their most track-prepped 911 and a reminder that he will never be able to have the GT3 RS that he really wanted.

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Until my cousins can drive. Then he can do whatever the hell he wants as far as a daily driver.

So let this be a lesson to you all, Oppositelock. Money can’t buy everything. It can’t buy happiness, and it certainly can’t buy a GT3 RS with rear seats.