The only update is that the right front caliper must’ve seized to some degree, by the time he was nearly at the garage, the tow truck driver noticed it was smoking. He pulled over, and saw that the brake rotor was glowing orange.....luckily, a friendly couple was in their yard and gave him their hose to use to cool it down and stop the smoking. I showed up as he was doing that, apologized for the scare and thanked him for stopping my car from catching on fire. He said he was just glad that my car didn’t catch fire, and then helped me wrangle it into the tiny garage. Very awesome tow truck driver.
There she sits until I figure out a plan to get her going again. I’ve got a decently long list of things to do, and just added front brakes to that list. More to come, eventually.