For those not in the know, traffic in Snohomish County is so dreadful that moving just several miles in any direction can more than triple your commute. Today’s example: I’m considering looking at this good house in great area, which is about 8 miles south of where we are now. Here’s how this hypothetical move affect our drive times:

Zoidberg
- commute to work: decreased by 7 minutes
- commute from work: decreased by 20 minutes

Mrs. Zoidberg
- commute to work: increased by up to 40 minutes, or five times the current!
- commute from work: increased by 15 minutes

This is because — if your job requires you to take the Highway 2 trestle like my wife’s does — unless you’re already living in north Everett (which connects directly to the trestle), you will never get to your job. You’ll never make it past the Everett Mall exit, or past 41st ST. Don’t even think that 99 is moving. You’ll never make it through Cathcart to connect to 9. Oh, and you’ll never make it through 9, ever.

You can flip our results if we move even 2 miles north (which is not on the table), or 4 miles east. My commute skyrockets and hers is largely unchanged. But desirable neighborhoods in north Everett are getting too expensive and scarce to begin with. $400k to live on a 4,000 square foot lot too close to Broadway, in an 1,100 square foot home with no garage? How about NO.

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Please note I did put in that big “First World” qualifier in my tag. I know many of you have substantial commutes. I myself used to commute 150 miles a day, 5 days a week, for four years. So yeah I’ve been over that shit. Ironically, I now work a job that revolves almost entirely around driving...

And if my wife were to love a house that bumped her commute up, she will certainly weigh the pros and cons for herself. I just feel bad that in most scenarios, only one of us is severely punished for moving. Although I can tell you that my wife would gladly commute for a house she really really REALLY wanted.

Oh, who am I kidding. We all know you’ll see a post from me tomorrow about how I found ten dead hookers in the basement during the open house or some crazy shit.