My Car Has Shit All Over Itself

So I parked my car yesterday (2000 3.8L Mustang) and as I was turning it off, it stalled. I guess I took my foot off the clutch a bit too quickly, but whatever. I'm all for old wives' tales, so I went to start it back up to not leave it stalled and it wouldn't. Concerned, I did some looksyin' and determined I probably had a dead battery. No Problem! I'd experience the magic of jumper cables, failing that, the even bigger magic of the push start.

No such luck. None of these worked. The car just clicked angrily at me, and further, NOTHING had power at the end of the day. It drained to the point where the power locks didn't even work anymore. I had to leave it in the lot of my work.

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Today, I took a half day and spent the latter half playing parking lot mechanic, diagnosing and seeing what I could do. I replaced the battery, since it was (as Ferrari so eloquently puts it) of unknown provenance and that's the first fix in an electrical problem situation, get a new battery. No luck. Car keeps clicking angrily at me.

It is at this point that I tow the car using straps, which I'd never done but my father assured me would be "just fine." (side note: this is the only situation in recorded history where having a disconnected power top has come in handy) After fucking ruining the paintjob with some shitty magnetic lights (it needed a respray anyway if I'm being honest) and 2 hours of harrowing powerless driving for a 45 minute commute, I got it home. Now I just have to figure out what the fuck is going on.

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