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My drunken review of my girlfriend’s 2018 Camry

Color: Blue-Green. It probably has a name. This is a good car color. Toyota should be proud of itself. 10/10

Performance: I don’t know. There’s this “Eco indicator” that makes me feel bad every time I try to merge on a highway. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a Camry with a 200 HP four banger doesn’t perform well from a standstill. ?/10


Braking: I haven’t rear-ended anyone yet. 8/10

Handling: it’s not my car, so I take corners about 10 mph lower than posted and at least 40 less than any car I’ve ever owned. ?/10, but I could see it oversteering into a median very easily.



It has adaptive cruise control. I thought this was cool at first, but then someone switched lanes and the car tried to accelerate into someone merging. My 2001 Jag had adaptive cruise control as an option and I was always glad mine wasn’t equipped with it, because, lol, Jag electrics. Using it on a 2018 Camry makes me think that no Jag was ever equipped with this, because we would all be dead. 2/10.

It has a backup camera. I’m new to backup cameras and I don’t trust them. Thankfully, Toyota considered this by making rear visibility non-existent. I haven’t run over and children and sometimes I consider putting the car into reverse at a red light, just to check if someone is behind me. 5/10.

Blind spot monitoring: This is not a thing I trust. Also, see above: the car has roughly 270° of blindspots and this monitors roughly 90° worth. 5/10.


Touchscreen: lol.

Technological features: so, I downloaded Toyota’s Entune app in order to have GPS show on the screen in the middle. Then I downloaded this Scout GPS thing, so the car could show GPS on the screen in the middle. Then I found out your phone has to be unlocked and on, showing just a message from this Scout app saying the car is connected to the Toyota in order to show the GPS. If you lock your phone, the car tells you that it can’t display the maps and instead shows you arrows pointing to your next turn. My 2001 Jag also has GPS that shows arrows pointing to the next turn. My 2001 Jag uses a DVD for this information.


You know how people complain about how car reliability rankings include data about how shit infotainment systems are in rankings? Those people did not try and use GPS on this fucking car. I don’t care that this car will outlive me, that doesn’t change the fact that it was produced THIS YEAR and it has a giant fucking display in the center console that is only good for showing the current song playing, MPG, and the six empty favorite contacts from my phone that I didn’t add. Not having the ability to show directions on a car made in 2018 is like driving an ice cream truck without any ice cream. This car’s approach? This is like driving an ice cream truck and not having any ice cream, but then grabbing the first child that shows up and forcefully sticking them down a sewer grate in the hopes that Pennywise will eat them. But he won’t, because he’s not real, so instead that child will die in a sewer. 0/10

Styling: It has this exaggerated bumper flare that straight up invites curbs to destroy it. The only comparison I can make is Bruce Willis in Die Hard 3 wearing a sign about black people in Harlem, except Samuel L Jackson will not save your bald, white ass from tears. 10/10, that thing looks better than it should.


Interior: it’s fabric and there’s plastic that looks like brushed metal. 10/10.

Comfort: one seat has power controls. One you pump like a pair of Nike sneakers. 10/10.


Stowage: All the stowage and the rear seats fold down. 10/10

Summary: 10/10. I like this car. It does boring car things well and I feel like an adult when I drive it. It’s probably more likely to get me killed than any of the fun cars I’ve actually owned, but it appeals to me in a sedentary “this is a car you drive when you’re responsible for other peope’s lives” type of way, so the fact that it’s more likely to kill me is metal as fuck and shows that Toyota really has my best interests at heart.

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