2 AM-ish

Friend to me: You want to smoke a hookah?

Me: Bitch, yes.

Friend: You mind if we bring that guy?

Me: No, get yours. But I want fucking tacos.

Friend: K.

Me (At taco place): That dude over there is swole.

Friend: No shit.

Me to swole dude: She likes you, you want to get with her?

Swole dude: I like dick, but she’s pretty nice.

Me to friend: He gay.

Friend: You guys want to smoke a hookah?

Me: Yas.

Get to apartment.

3 AM

Me: What’s this shit?

Friend: That’s my new IKEA bed.

Straight dude: I can build that.

Gay dude: I will help and watch you.

Friend: Oh shit.

Me: Bitch, this is a porno we’re living in right now. Enjoy it.

Four hours of watching shirtless dudes in boxers try to put together an IKEA bed.

Me: It’s seven. I want some unhealthy shit.

Friend: What is there?

Me: Fuck it, let’s find booze.

Friend: K.

Come back. Watch dudes in their skivvies putting together IKEA bed.

Me: You’re welcome.

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