Friend to me: You want to smoke a hookah?
Me: Bitch, yes.
Friend: You mind if we bring that guy?
Me: No, get yours. But I want fucking tacos.
Me (At taco place): That dude over there is swole.
Friend: No shit.
Me to swole dude: She likes you, you want to get with her?
Swole dude: I like dick, but she’s pretty nice.
Me to friend: He gay.
Friend: You guys want to smoke a hookah?
Get to apartment.
Me: What’s this shit?
Friend: That’s my new IKEA bed.
Straight dude: I can build that.
Gay dude: I will help and watch you.
Friend: Oh shit.
Me: Bitch, this is a porno we’re living in right now. Enjoy it.
Four hours of watching shirtless dudes in boxers try to put together an IKEA bed.
Me: It’s seven. I want some unhealthy shit.
Friend: What is there?
Me: Fuck it, let’s find booze.
Come back. Watch dudes in their skivvies putting together IKEA bed.
Me: You’re welcome.