What is the sound of one piston slapping?
What is the sound of one piston slapping?

I have commented on him before, but the summation is thusly: my next door neighbor fancies himself as something of the neighborhood watchdog. He has called the City multiple times on other neighbors for things he didn’t like (though two instances were justified — I’m just never the type to call the city about *someone else’s* property). Every interaction I’ve had with him has been an attempt on his part to gather information on us, or take jabs at us. He has the same fomula: start with small talk then quickly spin to “so I noticed that...”

He has made comments about my trees, my lawn, my cars, my parking, my dog, pretty much anything I own. This is the same man who complained I parked too close his property, in spite of being completely on my own property. He made comments on the parking quality of my wife’s best friend — again, though squarely on my property.


Friday, I parked my work truck in the alley, but again, squarely on my property. I predicted I would hear from him, and I did later while getting my mail.

“I noticed your truck parked out back.”
“What about it?”
“Nothing, just noticed.”
“Well it’s not there now. Is there something wrong?”
“No, no...”


And then today. Today I was at wits’ end.

I do my usual parking ju-jitsu that I have to do at the end of the weekend, swapping my Tercel in the garage with the Taco on the street, as my wife was on her way home and she needs to be in first (single wide driveway) because I leave first in the morning so blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Anyway, he pops out of his house and approaches me again.


“How’s it going?”
“Good, how are you?”
“You got 4 cars now?”
“Well this is company vehicle.”
“No — you got 4 cars now.”
[he actually holds up four fingers and gestures towards me]
“Sure do.”
[I get back in my vehicle]

After I finish parking, he approaches me — again.”

“So how are things going?”
“So this is your car now?”
[he points at my Tercel]
“Sure is.”
“You got 4 cars now.”
“Yes, and I used to have six, so I consider this a downgrade.”
“... I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. What?”
“I said, I used to have six cars. These four are all good cars and in legal standing on my property.”
“Oh okay. I was just asking the question. I was just asking about your cars, but I’ll make sure and never ask about your cars again.”
“Have a good day.”



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