“I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone.”
“I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone.”
Illustration for article titled Never anthropomorphize a toilet.

Look, I get it. Anthropomorphizing inanimate objects is fun. It’s natural. Many things when anthropomorphized become more fun. Heck, I anthropomorphize stuff all the time!

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But the one thing you should never anthropomorphize under any circumstances is a toilet. “But awesomeaustinv, toilets are perfectly set up for anthropomorphizing. They’ve already got big, cartoonish mouths,” you say. Well, think of it this way: When you give an inanimate object human-like thoughts and feelings, then it will either enjoy its job or hate it. And in the case of the toilet, either direction is very bad.

If it doesn’t like its job, then who’s going to want to use that toilet? It’s just plain depressing! No self-respecting person wants to take a dump in the mouth of a toilet that hates literally putting up with your crap! Then the toilet would feel pointless because nobody’s using it, and I can’t really think of a good way to make a depressed toilet feel better.

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And if it does like its job, then that’s just frickin’ messed up, dude! If I plop down on the porcelain throne and it starts going “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff! Oh YEAH! GIMME MORE MORE MORE! OOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAHHH! WOOOOOOO!!!”, then you better believe I’m getting the frick outa there! I don’t want freaking perv toilets creeping me out while I’m trying to do my business! Especially if it’s one of those fancy toilets that washes your nethers. No way I’m letting a sentient toilet do that.

That’s why all toilets must be cold (okay, maybe not cold), heartless, soulless, emotionless machines, completely and utterly devoid of personality. If you want to make it an artsy toilet or whatever, then fine, but not an anthropomorphic toilet.

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Never an anthropomorphic toilet...

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