News Brief: Private Equity Firm Modest Mountain Partners Buys Mitsubishi, Outlines Turnaround Strategy

After more than a decade of headwinds, including two changes in ownership and several scandals, Mitsubishi Motors will turn over a controlling stake in the firm to Boston Private Equity firm Modest Mountain Partners. The investors purchased the stake for an undisclosed amount from current owners Renault-Nissan Alliance.

The Outlander PHEV follows Modest Mountain’s mantra “White and in Charge”

Modest Mountain, best known for prior startups in the herbal supplement industry, immediately summarized its intended changes for Mitsubishi, all of which will be implemented within the next six months:

  • Name will immediately change to Futatsubishi, reducing diamonds by over 33%.
  • Product lines from air conditioners to car audio will be eliminated, allowing firm to stick to cars.
  • 0% financing to be extended up to 96 months for all credit scores over 500
  • Core management teams to be replaced by clapping monkey, drinking bird novelties.
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The presumptive new President of Mitsubishi, Jake Smallfella, took to Twitter to further delineate his plans for the automaker, explaining that it will soon be made up of five to seven highly-focused car models.

Smallfella explained “We want one aimed at the blacks, one aimed at the broads, maybe one for the incels and the geeks. Plus just some random [stuff] in bright colors to keep the rest of the sheeple happy.”

He continued “Our greatly expanded engineering staff in India will make sure the volume of cars exceeds its historical pace, and we have no concerns about quality at this time. It’s a slam dunk.”

No further details are available yet, as Spanfella has blocked all comments and feedback since the announcement.

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