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News Flash: OJ Simpson Re-Launches “Retro” Version of Self

Nearly three years after being granted parole on Robbery and Weapons charges, former NFL player-turned-actor-turned-glove-enthusiast OJ Simpson announced plans Wednesday to “Re-launch himself” to the world under the #RetrOJ tag.

Making OJ Great Again
Making OJ Great Again
Photo: Orange Julius
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“This has nothing to do with the new Ford Bronco,” Mr. Simpson explained in a public statement via Zoom on Wednesday evening, “It just felt like the right time to come back into the public eye now that everybody is bored at home and willing to pay attention to anything.”

Mr. Simpson continued, “Since we’re all talking about Ford, though, I am going to get a new Bronco. But only on one condition: That it comes in white. On that topic, have you heard the rumor that I’m Khloe Kardashian’s father?” he asked to a centrally-muted line of over a dozen assembled reporters while pausing for laughter. “And the Bronco really needs to have AC!”

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“I plan to grow out the afro for the full retro look, then I’m calling up Hertz to do some new TV commercials, then I’m planning to get together with Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy to reboot the Naked Gunfranchise,” Simpson added.

Runnin’ down a dream.
Runnin’ down a dream.
Image: Hertz like Hell
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Mr. Simpson then explained that he also plans to use his new publicity platform to raise money for social justice issues under his new nonprofit organization, My Life Matters. The group plans to serve as a community organization and education venue to help aid in public support, lobbying, and fundraising for the legal defense of one particular African-American man.

Accidentally leaving Zoom on a continued mute, he solicited questions from reporters, then congratulated himself on turning his life around, concluding “I might even run for President, now that they’ll give the job to anyone.”

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