Update: this was a weird week. I feel bad for the Niners, but why the hell didn't Garoppolo go out of bounds? Yeesh. Also, LOL VIKINGS.

I’m glad the Browns finally won one. (JUAN! WE WON ONE, JUAN! WHERE WERE YOU WHEN WE WON ONE, JUAN? I love Pete Holmes.) But Bud Light as a reward? That’s just mean. I guess ‘free’ does make it taste a bit better. I glanced at the Browns’ next few games and in the next five, there are at least 3 winnable games. The Raiders are twice butt, the Chargers are a toss-up, and between the Steelers and the Ravens they could probably grab one. Just imagine, if the Browns had had a decent kicker to start the season they could actually be 3-0 right now. It would not surprise me to see them be 4-3-1 at the midway point.

Ugh. I hate when the Broncos play in an early game. It throws my whole day off. I don’t like drinking beer before noon unless I’m on vacation. Guess it’ll have to be scotch, LOL. This game against the Ravens is the first of 4 early games for the Broncos this season, which seems like a lot. I don’t know what to make of the Ravens after their first two games. The Broncos haven’t played a clean game yet, but the fact that they’ve been hammering out wins anyway is a nice change from last season for sure. Flacco likes to hold onto the ball too long so if they can get good pressure on him, they might be able to force him to throw some picks. I think the Broncos will probably win this game, but if they do it’ll probably be another ugly one. (I’m fine with ugly wins.)

Because it’s an early game, we won’t get a late CBS game. Also for some reason there are only 3 afternoon games. Why don’t they spread them out more? It’s annoying. Surprisingly, we actually do get an early Fox game opposite the Broncos, and it’s the 49ers at the Chiefs. I don’t envy the Niners right now. Did KC somehow find a decent franchise QB through the draft? How is that possible? I wouldn’t bet against KC at home right now. I mean, it’s not the playoffs yet *snicker*. The late Fox game for us is Cowboys at Seahawks *vomits*.

The rest:

Saints at Falcons: The Saints schedule is murderous. Wow. ETA: for some reason my dumb brain thought the Saints were winless. So they couldn’t really go to 0-3 without a time machine, and anyway they beat the Falcons.

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Raiders at Dolphins: If the Raiders lose today (and I’ll be surprised if they don’t), I think they might go on a long losing streak. They were up 19-7 against the Broncos last Sunday, but then remembered they were the Raiders and coughed it up. I think the players are WAY more pissed off about the Mack trade than Gruden thinks, but he doesn’t care because he’s not interested in winning now. He and the front office are more interested in winning when they get to Vegas.

Bills at Vikings: This will probably be the football equivalent of a crime scene.

Colts at Eagles: Carson Wentz is back. I don’t really have anything more to say. Inter-conference games are usually kinda boring, and both these teams have been uneven.

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Packers at Redskins: I really think the Packers should sit Aaron Rodgers for this one. Wait, their backup is Deshone Kizer, isn’t it? (My spell check really wants to change his name to Shoshone Kibitzer.) The Packers are probably screwed this season. They’re going to face someone with a pass rush at some point and Rodgers’ knee will get hurt worse. I hope I’m wrong.

Bengals at Panthers: This is a weird matchup. I have no feel for how this will go. I’ll bet it’ll be entertaining though.

Titans at Jags: It’s the Gabbert Bowl! OH GOD NO. The Jags better win this one.

Giants at Texans: The Texans should destroy the Giants. Should.

San Diego at St. Louis: Rams, probably. The attendance could be 80,000 and the Coliseum would still look empty. When does that new stadium open, anyway?

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Bears at Cardinals: Can the Cardinals score any points?

Pats at Lions: I know it won’t happen, but how awesome would it be to see the Lions beat the Pats? Back in the real world... I’d say flex another game for Sunday Night Football, but the rest of the games aren’t much better. Maybe Saints-Falcons? Would anyone care about the rest?

Steelers at Bucs (MNF): I’d love to see the Steelers just go on a huge nosedive for the rest of the year. I think I might actually hate them more than I hate the Patriots. Please God, don’t let Fitzpatrick fall back to earth this week.

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Which game are you attempting to stomach this week? Am I wrong or do most of them kinda suck?