UPDATE:  Every QB with the last name of Allen won today.  BEWARE OF THE BROTHERHOOD OF ALLENS!  Other stuff: Jacoby Brissett sprained his knee and Adam Vinatieri can’t kick anymore, I can’t pick games for shit, and having brown jerseys AND orange jerseys on the field is kinda gross.

Illustration for article titled NFL Open Thread

Pictured: Denver Broncos quarterback Trevor Siemian Paxton Lynch Brock Osweiler Case Keenum Kevin Hogan Joe Flacco IDK LOL


I think I’m over my mopiness and am ready to watch some football again! Which is convenient, because I’m sick as a dog right now and want to remain immobile. I think I dodged a bullet, though... I only seem to have a bad chest cold and a sore throat. My husband got the flu. Fortunately he’s nearly over it, and I’m hoping I’m on the upswing. I really dislike calling in sick, especially on a Monday when work is at its busiest.

Today my team hosts the Cleveland Browns, who are inexplicably just as hapless as the Broncos at the moment. Let’s see, our GM has bungled the drafts for nearly ten years and can’t pick a QB to save his life... what’s the Browns’ excuse this year? They should be rolling right now. I did sort of feel like they made a mistake not hanging onto Gregg Williams and going with Freddie Kitchens instead, but I didn’t think they’d be struggling like this. Meanwhile, the Broncos are starting some random-ass guy at QB after Joe Flacco “hurt his neck” and got sent to sleep with the fishes put on IR. (I actually don’t believe his criticism had anything to do with it, but I am legally required to make mafia jokes because our head coach’s name is Vic Fangio.) I am actually glad to see Emmanuel Sanders tear it up with the Niners. Some Broncos fans didn’t like him, but I did. I hope he gets another ring, preferably this year so we are spared the Patriots winning another damn Super Bowl. Anyway, today’s game...nobody cares but I think the Broncos win today. Not because they’re better than the Browns (they’re not) but because Cleveland is just as maddening as the Broncos and can’t win games they should walk away with.

I didn’t set an alarm and woke up when I usually do, which is an hour earlier because I forgot today was the time change. So as I write this the Texans-Jags game hasn’t started yet. I can’t watch it anyway because I don’t have cable. I suspect the Jags will win, it’s just a gut feeling. The Texans should win but I don’t trust them. On CBS today we’ll get the Colts at the Steelers before the Browns-Broncos game. I’m going with the Colts, but barely. I think it’ll be close and could really go either way. On Fox we only get an early game, Vikings at Chiefs. I think the Vikings should be able to go in and steal a win in KC against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team. Sunday Night is a good one, the Pats at the Ravens. I used to hate watching the Ravens but now they’re not boring to watch anymore.... I wonder why that is. I’m picking the Ravens. If this were the playoffs I’d probably go with the Patriots but they just feel due for a loss right now. Their defense is really good, though. MNF is Cowboys-Giants, and I generally ignore NFC East games. I hope the Giants win, but I don’t think it’ll happen.

The rest:

Redskins at Bills - I know the Bills aren’t for real, but I’d like to see them keep on winning. Fuck Dan Snyder.


Titans at Panthers - I’ll pick the Panthers. I can’t take any team seriously that starts Ryan Tannehill at QB. I feel bad for Cam Newton though. Hopefully his foot eventually heals and he can come back.

Jets at Dolphins - I would actually watch this because it should be hilarious. I want to pick the Dolphins, but I just can’t.


Bears at Eagles - I’m not sure about this one so I chickened out and picked the home team.

Lions at Raiders - I don’t think the Raiders are for real. The Lions probably aren’t either, but I’m picking them.


Bucs at Seahawks - Seahawks.

Packers at Chargers - The Chargers are really bad right now. Packers take it in a rout. Plus it’ll be like an extra home game for them! Why the hell did the NFL let the Chargers move to LA? It’s ridiculous. They should have moved to San Antonio or something. Hell, Vancouver would have made more sense.


Side note - I’ve been thinking. The NFL clearly wants to eliminate injuries on kickoffs and keep making it harder for returns to happen, and they’ve had mixed success. If they really want to keep kickoffs but their aim is to reduce returns, then they should make kickoffs that sail through the goalposts worth a single point for the kicking team. I think it would be an interesting addition that would make the ends of games more competitive, especially since the onside kick isn’t effective any more. Think about it... if your team is down by four with a minute to go and still have most of their time outs, having the kicker bring it to within three on the kickoff would eliminate the need to onside kick. Their D would still need to stop the other team from getting a first down, but getting into FG range to tie usually takes less time than to score a TD if you’re down by four. What do you think? I really don’t want the kickoff to go away.

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