It really is just terrible.

I tried to play it. I didn’t think I’d like it, on the surface it treads the same path it’s been treading since Underground more than a decade ago.

Get used to seeing this screen. Make friends with that spinner in the corner, you’re going to see him a lot


For a while the surface is all I got. Every time I opened it, it whinged that there was no internet. If I had internet on it told me to update it. Even after that it would just hang, spinning, giving the distinct impression it was downloading more stupid personalities and skanky women and just generally abusing my mobile data for no good reason.

Looks good? What if they took away every control, so you can’t lose and you’re not even really playing a game?

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When I finally got in I found the most boring, dumbed down racing game I could imagine. I couldn’t even imagine something this boring. It’s like they’ve taken a decent 3D racing game and removed every single feature until literally all you can do is steer a car that’s effectively running on rails. Then they hastily added nitrous as a failed attempt to make the game appeal to someone with a pulse. You get “points” or something for things like drifting - I swear you can’t even drift in the game. There aren’t enough controls to drift. You don’t even get to accelerate let alone drift.

Of course they are. And I’m a petulant child who’s going to start playing because of this message.

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It’s the same old cliches. You’re the up and coming racer. Someone with an over-the-top personality inexplicably lends you a car. You show promise despite driving for literally 20 seconds and coming last. Another person with a ridiculous personality invites you into their crew. Who the hell wants to play that anymore?

I know it’s a mobile game, but it could be better. It should be better. I’ve seen some promise in the upcoming NFS game recently, but if it’s anything like this (and I mean, at all) I’m going to gag. This is a joke, and I take it as a personal insult that people who play this game are considered enthusiasts. That people might get the impression this is what car culture boils down to is resentful.

Very few apps trigger this notification. What the hell is it doing with my battery when it’s minimized?

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Disclaimer: I was waiting for the menu to respond after my 3rd or 4th race (it had loaded, it was just busy raping my internet), and it took so long I wondered why I was bothering and quit. That is, I didn’t actually play the game that much, I’m not claiming to be an expert. I’d rather eat glass than become an expert at this game.