And the previous owner tried to glue it back together, WTF!
Had to go MacGyver on that ass and pull a solution out of my own ass. After using blowtorches and hangers and soldering irons, I finally just heated up a screw, screwed it in, heated up the dipstick tube which eventually loosened up all the glue that was in there.
Now I have to do a perfunctory oil change, but common sense beat out stupidity today (why glue? Why would he put any glue down that tube? Whyyyy?) Oil was surprisingly clean, hopefully there aren’t any serious repercussions of that dipstick dipshit putting glue in there.