Making the rounds in the news today is the resignation of Chris Evans from Top Gear. The Embattled co-host has been blamed for many maladies plaguing the show since re-launch both on and off stage. While almost everyone regards Evans leaving Top Gear as a good thing, Evans himself apparently didn’t even know he was on the show at all.
Oppo News Network: Thank you very much for agreeing to this interview Mr. Evans
Evans: You’re welcome, though my publicist didn’t tell me much about what’s going on. What’s this all about?
ONN: Your decision to leave Top Gear.
Evans: What’s a Top Gear?
ONN: It’s...a hugely popular show millions watch across the globe. It’s kind of shocking that you don’t even know it existed considering you were it’s host for the whole first season.
Evans: I was? Why don’t I remember any of this?
ONN: Amnesia induced by a traumatizing level of shame and embarassment, maybe?
Evans: No, that can’t be it. The last time I experienced that condition was when I...stared in a movie where...where there was a strechy guy, and I was on fire? And there were hovercars with Hemis in them?
ONN: It’s probably for the best that we don’t bring that up.
Evans: Oh. Well, how did I do as host?
ONN: You were rubbish. Everyone hated you. You were mean and insufferable. You shouted at the audience and treated Matt LeBlanc like a boy grip.
Evan: That doesn’t sound like me at all. Are you sure I was on this show?
ONN: It says right here in the credits. ‘Hosts: Chris Evans’
Evans: Well, can’t argue with that. Did I do any other horrible things to britain besides almost ruin new top gear?
ONN: You also campaigned for Brexit and painted a GTO ghost white.
ONN: Nah, just kidding about the Brexit part.
Evans: But...the GTO...
ONN: Real, unfortunately.
Evans: GOOD LORD.
ONN: Good lord indeed. So how do you feel about being off of Top Gear?
Evans: Well...considering I don’t even remember being on, the same? I guess? I likely can’t ever go back to Britain now considering everything.
ONN: What will you do now?
Evans: I’m still good with Marvel and Captain America and all that, right?
Evans: Oh. Then I’m fine. Everythings fine. Now...is there any way to save that GTO?
ONN: You stripped it down to the frame and had all the panels painted too. There’s no going back, I’m afraid.
Evans: *Bursts into tears* I’M HISTORY’S GREATEST MONSTER
ONN: It’s okay, Evans. Everything will be fine. Shhhhhh