Approximately one month ago I announced to the Oppo community about two secrets that have been plaguing my mind for about seven years now.
That day, is when I learned Oppo is more than just an online car enthusiast community, but a truly amazing place. You all are awesome in ways I can't even type out on screen. We're all a diverse group of people joined together by a simple love for all sorts of vehicles. It's mind-blowing what this place is capable of and I love you for it. <3
And a special shoutout to those of you who offered awesome words of advice, quotes, supportive statements, and even offered help (and possibly shelter, if necessary). There are too many to list, but you know who you are. :)
Now, one thing I did not do is really say what may take place in my future and it does appear that quite a few of you are wondering. And I also didn't really describe my feelings either. So, here's an update! :)
Over the course of the six-seven years I did this before I came out, I knew I loved it. But since I only dressed up like once a week and only in the warmer months (April-October), I never got to get the full-on experience. Then adding to that, I was afraid of what people would think, so I never allowed my feelings to flourish.
I equate it to test driving a car. You love it, you know you want to keep driving it, but since it's only a test drive you don't know to what extent you love it...Then you're afraid of what people would think if you bought it...
Since the unleashing of my true, unfiltered personality and my freeing of feelings about my "other side", my expectations have been completely shattered.
I expected to simply just merge my two identities into one and switch between physical appearances when I felt like it. I was asked if I would transition and become a girl full-time. At that time, I was somewhat confident that answer was a "no". But it didn't happen that way, at all.
As time has been passing I've been loving every second of it more and more and more. I seriously didn't expect to love it as much as I do and then I expected those feelings to fade over time. They aren't. They grow stronger with each passing day and have evolved into a deep seated love. Like the kind of love you have for your family, your child, your significant other; maybe even the passions you hold in life?
My "girl personality" is actually my real, unfiltered personality (I altered my personality to please my parents and to conform to their vision of society) and though now I'm myself no matter how I look, myself and others have observed that my girl look best matches my true identity.
And it's true. I feel "myself" and the most comfortable and liberated as my girl self. It feels like...the real me...
And those in my life seem to hold the same opinion. They say "When you are Mercedes, you are noticeably happier; to the likes of which I've never seen you before. And I've known you for nearly a decade", and another saying "I feel like this is the true you, that this is who you really are". Every single person I know has said this or something like it. The feelings and my thoughts wholeheartedly agree. This all feels right, like all the pieces of the puzzle that have confused me through life finally fit together. I still feel like crying about how happy I feel. Even the smiles I have in selfies are genuine. <3
So, I want to give myself more time to see if my feelings and opinions will change (though, I know these kind of feelings and I know they will only grow stronger).
At the same time, I'm also seeking out a Gender Therapist to see if my feelings and thoughts are valid...And if so, go full time and start Transition and HRT...
I felt this was just the start of a much grander journey and it turns out I was right.
I still need to come out to my parents (about both parts of my "secret") and if I follow through with Transition, my workplace and college (college will be easy).
Given that my parents and brother are extremely hostile about both subjects and will not take change of any kind (they wouldn't talk to me for two weeks after I told them I wasn't going to be a doctor), that part of the journey will be the hardest. Hence I'm waiting until I move out in a few months for the big reveal.
But yeah, I can't say I've ever been happier than I am now. <3
I've even gone shopping a few times. I can't get enough!
There's my big update. Thanks Oppo, all of you are an important part of this journey of a lifetime and I thank all of you. <3
P.S. Thanks for sharing this to GroupThink (I'd do it myself but I can't)!!! As I update monthly, here's the latest. :)