Fuck you, I only drove it twice. Don't have such high expectations.

LADIES AND GENTS THE 2014 NISSAN CAMRY. ALTIMA. WHATEVER.

It's an S, with some blue-something engine which means it's a 4-cylinder, has a CVT (with sport mode, ooOOooOoOooOoohh), and whatever other options that includes. I don't know, and can't be bothered to check.

The stick of bore:

It's a rental in our fleet of Darts, Altimas, and Grand Caravans. I think we have some 3s and CX-5s in there too still. The wife's CX-9 was in the shop, so she had the Altima to drive over the weekend. No, the CX-9 is still not fixed, but that's a story for another day.

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So it's buzzy, vibratey, and slow. Putting the CVT in Ds enacts some type of sport mode that if done while cruising makes the engine rev way the fuck up, and the CVT will imitate gear changes under acceleration. You ain't fooling NO ONE, you snowmobile transmission. It also will hold RPMs if you're, say, on a twisty road, or navigating the curvy driveway en route to the packed Goodwill parking lot. Top tip: Rich suburbs + tax returns = good stuff at the thrift shop. What what.

So the car itself is black. But, if you scroll through the on screen menus, you can change the little rear overhead picture of the car that shows up in the cluster to several choices. One of them being Camry. NEAT!

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The display also will show tire pressure at all four corners, average MPG (not real time MPG though? WTFudge?), MPH, and other trip doo dads. Another page brings up audio info, showing station, track, or XM radio channel. Yes, I will get to that later I guess.

Here's a blurry pic I took!

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I'm so dangerous, I know. But it's okay, my phone was paired via Bluetooth with one of the EASIEST step by step processed I have witnessed in the many many Bluetooth enabled cars I've driven. Which is like, 3. And two of them were Mazdas. So I didn't have to play with the radio AND take pics while driving. That's be REALLY dangerous.

Sadly, the radio is NOT a touch screen, and I had to guess what the 3 and 4 symbolized on the display for pause play. Never figured it out. The toggle on the steering wheel does skip tracks though. And, using combination Bluetooth, the command button, and the on screen stuff, I was able to text my wife, who texted me TEN MINUTES AFTER I LEFT HOME to ask if I was at work yet. Unfortunately, there is no pre-programmed "I JUST LEFT, DERP!" response. But it does let me make custom messages. Just not while driving. Plus it ads a fun "-Sent from MY CAR" which prompted a certain friend of mine who also texted me while I was driving this AM to reply "...sent from my hand". LOLS ENSUED.

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So, driving impressions. I like the thinness of the A-pillars. I even double checked to make sure the car still had curtain airbags, such as the thinness of the pillars.

I do not like the lack of slide out sun visor extensions. We were just discussing this on Oppo a week or two ago. This is a 2014 mid-size car. Unacceptable. My fucking base model 1998 Camry has them. PSHAW.

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Oh, this is a thing! An actual temperature gauge. And by actual, I mean..... it shows that the car is warm. I neglected to see if it actually moved, or just "turned on" like the light that so many newer cars that have eschewed the traditional gauge have. But reverse. Because it's a light that goes out when the car is "warm". Confused? Me too.

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The bumpy swoopy hood is cool, but if you look toward the passenger side shoulder, an annoying shaft of not-hood is visible though the body line that should not be there. It looks... like they sacrificed design for aesthetics. #firstworldproblems

What else, what else, what else. OH! Deal breaker. I would not buy this car for ONE REASON ALONE. My kids could not get their seat belts buckled. They are still in booster seats (well, one is almost out, depending on the car and height of the shoulder belt) and every time they tried to insert tab A into slot B, the slot fucking disappeared into the seat cushion. There's literally an inch and a half of buckle to grab onto while plugging in the latch. Poor design, and no one should have to help an 8 year old buckle their seat belt. Unless, that it, they are missing an arm, or something. And really, who's fault is that? Probably the parent. Then you deserve the torture of having to lean around between the front seats to help buckle them up.

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Last impression (with a picture)? There's an actual parking brake! YES! Non electric! But it's foot operated! FUCK!

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So I would not buy this car. The seat belt thing, the sun visor thing (I commute with the sun on my left constantly), the lack of trunk space (goose neck hinges FTL), the noise and vibration the engine makes, the stupid things the CVT does (paddle shifters or some kind of manual control would help), the steering wheel that doesn't feel connected to the wheel wheels..... also the radio lacks low end punch, there is no lumbar adjustment for the 6-way power driver seat, and no auto up/down window except the driver's front.

Is this a review, or a bitch list?

Well, it's an appliance, so it's hard to find positive things to write about, except that it's an appliance, and it does its job as such.

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But it did have XM radio, Bluetooth, a nice radio display (though not touch screen), USB and AUX jacks, and all the safety and reliability you can ask for in a new car.