Ladies and Gentlemen, I have felt what it is like to drive a mountain, and I have launched that mountain into the air over some railroad tracks.

Disclaimer: Ford wanted me to drive this truck so badly they did exactly nothing and my friend let me drive his instead. I accepted, but got no pictures since it was 4 in the morning

When people think "big truck" they're usually thinking of a heavy-duty slab of American "F**k you" riding on enormous round pieces of rubber with a hungry engine making tons of power, and an aftermarket lift kit.

I have driven their GOD.

And I was underwhelmed. Let us begin.

Looks: 8/10

Advertisement

There isn't much to say about the looks of the F250. It is a truck. It has a cab, it has a bed, it has a hood, it has a grille. I took off two points because I think Ford makes some of the ugliest, most ridiculous grilles in the business. This is better than most Ford truck grilles (chicken wire mesh? Really?), but still not fantastic. The example I drove was dark grey and had freshly been washed, waxed, and even had the tires clean. For about four hours, then it was back to work. I have no idea why.

Interior: 4/10

Advertisement

Ew. I understand that the F250 is a work truck, but the interior made me wonder if I had accidentally gotten into a 10-year-old Ford E-series, or if Ford started letting PT-Cruiser-era Chrysler do their interiors. It was bland, didn't feel terribly well put-together, plastic EVERYWHERE, and worst of all no aux jack was present.

The redeeming features were the many cavernous hidey-holes for body parts, and the boost gauge was immensely entertaining.

Engine: 9/10

Until now the only diesel-powered car I'd driven was a 2005 Passat TDI wagon. This, while essentially the same thing (turbocharged diesel! yay!), gave me strange feelings in my pants region I still can not fully explain.

Advertisement

This particular truck came with the 6.4l PowerStroke pushing out 350hp and a planet-shifting 650 ft-lb of torque. I'm pretty sure that during the course of our shenanigans that night we shifted the position of Earth slightly and extended the night. Acceleration isn't fast by any means, but it feels like a completely unstoppable force of nature, combined with the 6000lb weight of the truck, it makes you feel like a demigod.

I found it mildly amusing the best part of this truck was, in fact, not made by Ford (please don't kill me for making jokes at Ford's expense. It entertains me)

Audio: 9/10

The noise.

Oh my god the noise.

The noise shall charm my dreams and fuel my erections for years to come. The reason? Turbochargers. Two of them, working in sequence to give you torque for DAYS. A small turbocharger that can spin up quickly gives you power more quickly, while a larger turbo spins up to make sure you have enough power to drive it home through the rev range. The result is one of the most pronounced turbo whines I've ever heard, and if you let off the gas at the right time a FANTASTIC blow-off noise causes a sudden need for a change of pants. I'm not sure how good the speakers are because I turned them off as soon as I heard the delicious sound of forced induction (from what I heard they were pretty mediocre).

Advertisement

I did a few burnouts and acceleration tests and the boost gauge on the dashboard said I was making an astronomical 35PSI of boost to that gargantuan six-point-who-cares liter mover of mountains.

I quite like it.

Total: (sequential turbos/100)

I love this truck, but hate it at the same time. For the money (the owner is about to unload it for $47k) I really do expect more from a truck. Yes, it's utilitarian, but it is so utilitarian it slaps you in the face with it. The interior is depressing and functional, the exterior is bland and uninspiring, all of which is overshadowed by a magnificent engine. Of course, this being the first truck like this that I've driven, I'm not quite sure what I'm dealing with. I just know that the dome lights are in a ridiculous position and the radio is certifiably retarded.

Advertisement

But there is no denying how much fun it is to go 55mph over a banked railroad crossing, feel all four wheels leave the ground and a moment of silence as the engine is slowed down by traction control and you soar through the air before landing surprisingly gently on the other side, your heart bursting from your chest.

'Murica