If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Oppo Review: The Murdersofa

I’ve never reviewed my own car. Let’s fix that.

The 2000 MurderSofa was never an official trim level of the LeSabre offered by GM. Instead it was an option provided by a small shop in Kansas that specializes in shitty high-mileage sedans, for whatever reason. Originating as a 2000 model year Buick LeSabre 2000 (yes, the 2000 is a part of the model name... for some reason) Limited with 200,000 miles, worn out struts, a worn-out 3800 Series II V6, 4 speed automatic, “Champagne” paint, and aluminium penis-spoked wheels. Two years later it is now a 230,000 miles Buick LeSabre 2000 with a bunch of bolt-ons and slightly more broken parts.

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On to the review.

Looks (Ridiculous/10)

The MurderSofa has been given a completely custom paint job using $120 worth of matte black Plastidip rattle cans over the course of one day. Red pinstriping was added using some pinstriping tape from AutoZone following the same contours as the OEM stripe, the grille was rattlecanned gloss black with Rustoleum (the World’s Shittiest Paint), and the penis wheels were replaced with really cheap Chinese knock-off tuner wheels and low-profile tires. The stock exhaust was cut off and replaced with a rusty drain pipe sticking out the side of the car to finish off the “what the hell are you doing” aesthetic of the car.

Interior (comfy and red/10)

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Leather. Leather everywhere. Leather seats, padded fake leather on the doors, dash, and underdash. Soft touch absolutely everything, no hard plastics to be found. Well, except for the wood trim. That’s tacky as hell. The gauge surround and door handle surrounds have been painted black to break up the immense expanse of tan-on-tan-on-tan-on-skinny-white-girl-xxx that makes up the interior aesthetics. Honestly, Buick did a pretty good job. The seats are comfy, though one of them is on a slightly broken track that wobbles every now and then and there is NOTHING in the way of bolstering so prepare to brace yourself on the door. The dash has one unbroken line that blends out of the driver’s door above the handle, continues above the gauges, then blends back into the dash on the passenger airbag area.

The steering wheel is a bit large and a bit spindly, but a steering wheel cover does an ok job of fixing that. The stock interior lights have all been replaced with red LEDs which provide negative practical value due to being super dim, but damn they look cool.

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Engine/Acceleration (faster than you’d think/69)

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Power is still the same high-mileage L36 Buick 3800 Series II, but with a ridiculously sized cone air filter, tune, high flow exhaust, and red beauty cover awwww yeah. Stomping on the “go” pedal results in... the engine cutting out. Not sure why. But then it comes back, the intake goes ‘fffphwhishhhh’, and the entire car squats down on the rear suspension as the car tilts skyward and you head down the road. The tilting of the car backwards simulates more G forces than you’re actually making, so that’s nice. 0-60 is accomplished in around 8 seconds with no passengers and running premium fuel (tune is optimized for premium), which is outclassed by pretty much every modern sedan but still not bad for something like this. Despite a raised redline (5600rpm) the car still has to shift around 50mph, and the final 10mph takes around 2 seconds. 0-40 is far quicker than the slow 0-60 time would suggest. Also, shifting into 2nd at WOT results in the entire car twisting about its axis by the torque load changing. It’s awesome.

Transmission (clunk/1337)

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The 4T65e (?) in the LeSabre is mechanically identical to stock, but since it’s computer-controlled that means it can be tuned, yo! Shift points have all been altered for anything above 50% throttle, and line pressure tables have also been changed for quicker, firmer shifts. I’ve gotten so used to it that driving a stock LeSabre was a complete shock to me at how much worse the transmission feels stock. Shifts are honestly pretty fast, easily faster than I can ever manage to shift my manual Civic, and there is no slipping whatsoever. Annoyingly, my 2-3 and 3-4 shifts are feeling pretty bad lately, so my trans might be approaching EOL.

Handling (boat/9001)

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Here are some specs:

2009 Ford Mustang GT automatic: 3,540 lb

2004 Pontiac Bonneville GXP: 3790 lb

2010 Dodge Charger Rallye: 3784 lb

2010 Chevy Camaro: 3750 lb

2000 Buick LeSabre: 3567 lb

“It’s a big heavy boat”

Well so’s your Mustang, bro, but I have independent suspension on all four corners.

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The front suspension of a LeSabre is MacPherson struts, while the rear has semi-trailing arms with separate coils and shocks. The MurderSofa has upgraded air-adjustable rear shocks designed for heavy-duty applications and towing. The rear FE3 sway bar from a Cadillac SeVille STS (the thickest GM makes) has been added, as well as the front FE5 (as thick as stock, but solid; also the stiffest GM makes) from a Bonneville GXP. The thick-sidewalled stock tires were traded out for low-profile 245r18 wheels and tires. The result? An enormous improvement over stock, and overall not bad. Skidpad is roughly the same as a ‘98 Civic, for what that comparison is worth, and it isn’t *totally* last at autocrosses.

Audio (BRRRRRRRR/0)

The LeSabre came stock in Limited trim with a Concert Sound II system by Delco. Honestly this is one of the best stock car audio systems I’ve listened to, and definitely the best I’ve heard from the era. And believe me, I’ve listened to a LOT of early-2000s and late-90s stock car audio systems. Bass is good enough to fool some people into thinking subwoofers are present, mids and highs are acceptable, none of it gets particularly loud but it sounds very pleasent.

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But not good enough for the Murdersofa.

A 250watt Xplod (please don’t kill me) amp has been dumped in the trunk as well as a 12” Memphis Audio subwoofer in a sealed enclosure built from 3/4-inch MDF, and the tweeters have been upgraded to Harman/Kardon (or car-man hardon, as I like to say) units for extra ear-pierce. It’s a satisfactory system, with the sub filling in the lows and bringing them up to the level of the highs without really announcing its presence too much. I’m happy.

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As for the exhaust, the axle-back was cut off and replaced with straight drain pipe, which deleted the muffler, and the resonator was cut off and replaced with a glasspack. It’s not terribly drony once I got all of the holes filled, and many people comment that they love the noise. Deceleration while holding the car in gear (3-2-1 on the column shifter) results in a glorious snap-crackle pop as the revs drop, and revving it in neutral will result in the occasional large afterfire which is great for scaring women and children.

Fun (wheeeeeee/42)

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Enough said

Except it isn’t, because racecar.

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The Murdersofa is a ridiculous daily. Pumping out glorious noises from the intake, exhaust, and trunk, cornering and accelerating better than any LeSabre has any right to, and being a comfy cruiser while doing it is one hell of a combination.

Final Score (Mr. Regular get the hell to Kansas/1000000)

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