If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Playing Highway Vigilante (or, How to Get Shot in Chicago)

So I have to share this quick story about my commute to work this morning. Every so often I can't resist the urge to play highway vigilante.

There is a point, on I-94, where one has the opportunity to merge from the express lanes over to the local lanes. As is standard for most of these types of exchanges, one lane funnels right from the express lanes, and merges into the left lane of the local lanes. Standard morning rush hour traffic means that the local lanes are moving at a crawl, and I am normally in the local lanes because the express lanes don't move much faster. So every morning when we arrive at that location, there are a few cars in the left lane that will bolt to the left as soon as the express lane starts coming in. I'm talking like cutting out across the hashed white lines that separate the incoming merge lane and the left lane. They then take off at a million MPH down this 1000 foot strip of merge lane before cutting back in ahead of everyone. Basically, they are ego-centric assholes.

So today, since I had nothing better to do and I was sitting in that slow lane, I had the sudden urge to be an asshole back to them. So once I got to the point where the merge lane had arrived next to me, I watched my mirror, and almost immediately I saw a giant Nissan Armada bolt out across the white lines, followed by a lifted Chevy Silverado with a giant bull bar and a bunch of fog lighs on the front, both of them cutting off the cars actually coming down the merge ramp. My first victims. So I pulled out into the merge lane, and blocked them. They came flying up on me, with the Nissan finally stopping RIGHT on my bumper. At this point we are maybe 800 feet from the merge point, and he instantly starts honking, leaning completely out of his driver's side window and yelling profanities at me. So I just honk back (at which point he stops honking because his horn now sounds pathetic and useless, I might add) and wave at him and point to the left lane where he belongs. He eventually actually starts to merge in behind the car that had been behind me. At this point, the lifted bro truck behind him - driven by a 30-something asshole, floors it to go around both of us, but I promptly scoot to the left a bit and block him (yeah, I know, I'm partaking in "road rage," but whatever - these guys were assholes and I was enjoying myself.) So this truck gets an inch from my bumper, and keeps jinking left and right trying to pass me (won't work if you stay one inch off my bumper, lol.) He is also leaning out the window yelling profanities and basically going completely nuts. This is all happening while we crawl forward at about 7 mph.


At this point, I should point out that the car that had been behind me in the fast lane did NOT close the gap where I had been (which was what I had assumed he would do), but rather was pacing me so that I could merge back in where I was... oh and did I mention that he was laughing his ass off? And someone in the lane next to him was clapping. So anyway, we finally get all the way to the merge point, and I merge back where I was, and the bro truck merges in behind the car behind me.

So a few miles down the road, the bro moves over a lane and eventually makes his way alongside me. Immediately he starts intimidating me with his big truck, swerving and waving his arms out the window and yelling everything under the sun, including telling me to go back to Virginia and suck dicks, and that you don't do that in CHICAGO and that he doesn't have to put up with pricks like me, etc... (I didn't mention I'm actually from New Jersey and that I've dealt with worse - mainly because I was too busy laughing, smiling and waving at him - which just made him madder.) All the while he's doing this, the guy in the car behind me is laughing. Finally the SUV drives off and I look at the guy behind me in the mirror and throw my hands up and shrug, and he does the same thing back.

Finally, and the part that really made my day, was a few miles down the road, the traffic thins out a bit so we're doing like 40, and the car behind goes to take his exit, but first he pulls up on my right, and yells out to me... I'm quoting here: "Hey man! I salute you and your huge balls. That was totally awesome. I've got your back bro!" I replied, "I'm probably going to get myself shot one of these days," and he laughed, saluted me and then took his exit.

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