I recently saw a funny post about how someone got a knock on the door from some Jehovah’s Witnesses just as they were covered in blood splatters from cutting a side of beef down to size for a big BBQ they were gonna have.

As a joke, they invited the Jehovah’s Witnesses in to come join their Satanic Ritual.

Anyway... It got me thinking... who would want to be a Satanist and what’s the appeal of being a Satanist compared to being a Communist? And how would that impact the cars they choose?

If you had to choose, which would you be? But before you pick, I’m gonna define the imaginary world where living as a Satanist in a Satanist area or living in a Communist in a Communist area are your only choices:

The Satanists:

  • Totally into luxury brands to the point that they don’t have non-luxury brands. So no Fords, Chevies, Dodges, etc. It’s all BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, Infinity, Audi, Tesla, Porsche, Ferrari, Lamborghini, etc. Old/dead luxury brands like Packard and Duesenberg are acceptable as well. Buick, Oldsmobile, Mercury, Volvo, Citroen and Saab are acceptable as long as they’re higher end, nicer higher trimmed models.
  • If you just want a basic car, the lowest you can go is something like an Audi A3... though some people you’re a little suspect. And drive a BMW Isetta.... well you’re just asking for trouble. You might be accused of being an in-the-closet Communist. And don’t even thing of pulling shit by driving a Mercury Tracer or a Citroen 2CV.
  • SUVs way more popular than minivans.
  • Interiors... either leather or velour

The Communists:

  • Adverse to luxury brands. It’s all Fords, Chevies, Dodges, VWs, Skodas, Nissans, Trabants, Ladas, etc
  • Basic cars are revered. You wanna get laid? Show up in a Morgan 3 wheeler! Show up in a Toyota Avalon and people will look at you sideways. Show up and park your VW Phaeton and your car may end up like George Costanza’s dad’s car:
  • High performance cars like the Hellcats and Vipers are acceptable. Even communists can justify having a high performance vehicle “because the performance might be needed”. Case in point... the MIG fighter jet that keeps those decadent Satanists at bay.
  • Minivans are viewed far more favourably than SUVs
  • Interiors... Leather and Velour is gauche. Driving something with functional interiors like this will earn you respect:

Here’s the link to the poll as I couldn’t figure out how to show up the way it has in the past:


(sidenote: The pics I included in this post all got Kinja’d. I add the pics, I save, pictures gone. Don’t know why.)