Luxury brand identities, huh? Okay, here we go:
Auburn: You’re sex on wheels.
Maybach: You have no identity. You’re just mildly confused with all the right ingredients, but the wrong fucking recipe.
Bentley: You’re a wealthy as shit A+++++ lister trying to be hip. You still don’t have a clue.
Rolls-Royce: You’re a wealthy as shit A+++++ lister who gives zero shits about being hip, cool, or even what goddamn list you’re on. Why? Because you have a Rolls-Royce. Now shut up and pass the Grey Poupon.
Aston Martin: You’re trying to be James Bond, but the harder you try, the cheesier you come off. Kind of like the new Vanquish Volante.
BMW: You’re a douche.
Audi: You’re a douche that pretends to hate other douches.
Mercedes-Benz: You’re a douche, and you’re damn proud of it.
Cadillac: You’re Bruce Springsteen singing about “Glory Days.”
Lincoln: You still exist?
Lexus: You’re grandpa.
Jaguar: You’re quirk. You’re class. You’re quietly confident. You’re still scared shitless of your electrical system.
Porsche: You are cold, calculating, and silently biding your time in a plot for revenge after your plans to buy out VW backfired in the most spectacular manner possible.
Acura: Hello, Walter Mitty.
Infiniti: Hello, Minardi.
Maserati: You’re the Italian Jaguar. A little louder, a little less suave, but every bit as quirky, classy, and probably a little more exciting.
Ferrari: You’re the automotive equivalent of the New York Yankees. You’re flashy, successful, and everyone hates you because you’re an arrogant prick.
Duesenberg: You’re Jay Gatsby.
Pierce-Arrow: You are class. Pure, fucking class.
Jensen: Class be damned. You’re a four-wheel-drive hatchback rocket ship, and that’s all that matters.
Bristol: You don’t fix things that aren’t broken. You also don’t exist anymore.
Lamborghini: You’re a spoiled, whiny 8th-grade brat throwing a temper tantrum after losing out on a date to the middle school prom.
Imperial: You’re proof that the 80s sucked for everyone, including royalty.
Stutz: You’re the automotive equivalent of Lindsay Lohan. Once upon a time, you were cute, sexy, and stylish. Then you coked up and sold yourself out until your career ended.