Illustration for article titled Possible Ferrari Drivers for 2020

With Vettel leaving the Scuderia after 2020, Ferrari will need a new driver. Someone who already has a Super License and can safely pilot the red car behind Charles LeClerc. Who are there options?

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1. Hulkenberg-Currently waiting patiently by his phone looking for a call. Can be fast, can be reliable, but completely cursed. 5/10 Prancing Ponies

2. Magnessun- Currently building lego ships in Denmark and waiting for the season to start so he can see just how bad this year’s Haas can get. Knows Ferrari suspension, gearbox, and PU, but could probably collide with Chuck at any given time. 8/10 Prancing Ponies

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3. Pascal Werhlein- Current Ferrari reserve and test driver, failed former Mercedes protege. Pascal’s law dictates that a pressure change at any point in a confined incompressible fluid is transmitted throughout the fluid such that the same change occurs everywhere. 2/10 Prancing Ponies

4. Brendon Hartley- Current Ferrari reserve and test driver, failed former Red Bull protege. Another Le Mans winner who just couldn’t make it in F1. 3/10 Prancing Ponies

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5. Fernando Alonso- Currently waiting for the Indy Car season to begin for another shot at the Triple Crown. Yeah, Seabiscuit over here will race for McLaren in Indycar, but is without that McLaren F1 contract. He will not be a #2 driver and has already walked away from Ferrari before, which seams perfect for a Mattia Binotto ran squad. 9/10 Prancing Ponies

6. Lewis Hamilton- Current World Champion Mercedes driver. Would be the ultimate, “Fuck-a you-a!” to Mr. Vettel if he could be loured away from the three pointed star. 1/10 Prancing Ponies

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7. Max Verstappen- Ain’t gonna happen. 0/10 Prancing Ponies

8. Pierre Gasly- Current Alpha Tauri (what a fucking horrible name) driver and failed Red Bull driver. Cracked under pressure of the big squad, but recovered in the safety of the junior team for Honda’s first 1-2 in 10,000 years. Good friends with Chuckles LeClarc and would like to stick it to Darth Helmut. 10/10 Prancing Ponies

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9. Daniel Ricciardo- Staying at Renault. 0/10 Prancing Ponies.

10. Valtteri Bottas- I forgot about the other Flying Finn, without a contract for 2021. After being relegated to being a company man who will play the tail gunner when needed, he’s the perfect fit for the red team. 10/10 Prancing Ponies. This then Triggers Mercedes to call up either Esteban Ocon or George Russel as a replacement.

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