"Why did you buy this thing?"
-local Jaguar shop owner
After a too-short decision-making process, here it is. It's a 1995 Jaguar XJR with a Maaco paint job, unknown mileage, various broken or swapped bits of interior trim, nearly bald summer tires, and as of right now it doesn't run. However, it has a working manual swap, which is all that matters. Said shop is trying to make it run, and I'm ordering a whole bunch of maintenance and repair items online so within a reasonable amount of time it should be a runner.
By the way, that leak in the front is washer fluid, rather than the usual British coolant or oil.