Band director: “Okay, going to give you ten minutes to work on this on your own. That’s when the big hand gets to the five. Then we’re going to play line 23 together. You have ten minutes to make it not terrible. Go.”

Jazz band: starts practicing

Band director goes back to office, sits at desk for a few minutes, totally not thinking about how 3:15pm is only 20 minutes away. Glances through Gizmodo to see news the day has wrought. Suddenly:

At 3:04, band director returns to podium. Pulls the Kinja deal up on the projector. Ends the band’s free-practice session. Jazz band runs the assignment a couple times. Band director points at the board.

Band director: “This is how you win life, guys. No more sorting entire boxes of Lucky Charms into separate piles of marshmallows and dog food. Just buy the whole bag of marshmallows.”

Jazz band: “THAT’S AMAZING WE WANT IT.”

Trombone player: “Mister, you can buy that bag of marshmallows, and like, we can all bring you a dollar, and then when class ends, we can all eat it!”

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Jazz band: “YESSSSSS!”

Band director: *thinks for a moment* “Well, there’s nineteen of you, and the bag is nineteen dollars...and I can get free prime shipping, so...okay.” *pulls out phone*

Jazz band: “YAAAAAY!”

Trombone player: “Wait, I was just joking!”

Band director: *holds up phone showing order confirmation from Amazon* We don’t joke about food around here, son. [Assistant band director] will bring a gallon of milk, I will bring bowls and spoons, and all of you bring a dollar next Monday, because IT IS ON. Put away your instruments.

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Jazz band cheers. Trombone player is still processing. Saxophone section double checks the director’s phone to see if he really ordered it. End-of-day bell rings. Students from other periods start filing into the room to pick up their instruments. Several eighth graders from the top ensemble see the 3 lb bag of marshmallows projected on the board, and ask jazz band kiddos why it’s on the board.

Thirty seconds later: “WHAT? JAZZ BAND IS GOING TO EAT A WHOLE BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS? WHAT MAKES THEM SPECIAL?!?!?”

Band director shrugs. “You had the choice to take jazz for your second elective, but no, you took AVID, because CUTE BOYS. Live with your decision, now, and on Monday when you see us all eating bowls of marshmallows.”

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Clarinet player whimpers.

Who says this job doesn’t have benefits? Gran Torino for sitting through the story.