Vehicle platforms dating back to mid-90's Mercedes? A headlining V6 that all but flat out refuses to run tech from this decade? Top of the line V8 released 15 years ago? Still insists the Patriot is something people actually want? Yea this is just too fucking easy. *Cue the drinks and the hate*

Now if I’m actually going to properly dig into this shit-storm of a company then we’re gonna have to take a good look at how they got themselves into the fuck-storm of a situation they’re currently in.

Let’s start this history lesson with one of FCA’s biggest cash cows.

Jeep Grand Cherokee

Advertisement

Let me put a bit of a disclaimer up first here, I like the GC. I think it’s a decent vehicle. They drive nicely, they’re good off-road, they’re comfortable, and they look pretty damn fantastic. However... Its platform is a bit... OK a lot confusing. The WK2 platform was all but finalized in fucking 2006, so Mercedes had/has full access to the damn thing. As a result the ML/GLE Class, Durango, and GC all share a platform, a few transmissions, and some other odds and ends. Where that gets a bit odd is when you remember that the Mercedes starts at fucking $52,000. Really skews the GC’s per-unit cost from the start. But whatever right? So Daimler gutted your company and this is the last piece of meat they stripped off. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been accused of cheating emissions on your diesels right! haha...ha...h...oh yea.... Awkward.

MOVING ON!

Advertisement

The new Jeep Cherokee!.... Wait that’s the Compass? But it looks exactly like the fucking Grand Ch.... Wait my lead image is the Cherokee?... What are they fucking high? Ok well what engine is it set to get here? the 2.4L? Oh sick the 2.4 Turbo?! Oh wait no they don’t make that engine? That’s a shame. Thing is it’s based on the Renegade platform which has a possible engine list about a mile long if you look at worldwide offerings... Yea that’s right you can get the Renegade (depending on where you are) with a 1.4L MultiAir Turbo, a 1.4L MultiAir2 Turbo, a 1.4L non-MultiAir Turbo, a 2.0L N/A, 2.0L N/A MultiAir, 1.6L E.torQ, 1.6L MultiJet2, 2.0L MultiJet2, or that 2.4L MultiAir I was talking about a second ago... That’s 9 engine offering IN CURRENT FUCKING USE in one platform... Are you fucking kidding me?

This is going to take forever if I don’t speed this shit up. FLASH ROUND - JEEP

  • Cherokee: Who the literal fuck designed this piece of shit? Aside from that they actually knocked it out of the fucking park n my opinion, and apparently that of about 200,000 people per fucking year. Right? This ugly sack of shit sells ridiculously well. Maybe they’re onto something.
  • Wrangler: The fact that this thing exists in 2017 is insane, the fact that it sells at all is idiotic, the fact that it sells damn near 200,000 units every year is mind-blowing. The marketing team behind the Wrangler’s sales explosion post-2010 is amazing.
  • Patriot: Jeep just give it up. This things a piece of shit, nobody wants it, nobody bu.... You sold 120,000 of them last year?... Are you fucking kidding me? OK well I guess I know nothing at all, carry on.

Advertisement

RAM

Naw they’re pretty much knocking it out of the park across the board here.

Chrysler

Advertisement

Two years ago the Chrysler 200 looked like a breakout star. Then this crazy thing called “being an unreliable piece of shit” happened and people stopped buying it... FCA’s response? Fuck it let’s just get rid of it and focus on getting rid of every vehicle in the Chrysler lineup that isn’t the 300 or the Pacifica... Honestly why does Chrysler even exist anymore? Just shift the fucking 200 over to Dodge as the Shadow or some shit, launch a higher end Grand Caravan, and a more luxo-focused Charger.

Dodge

Advertisement

Yea so this is still a thing they sell... I don’t think I need to say anything other than that really, its just a piece of sh... Oh they sole over 100,000 of them last year as well? Fuck everything.

How about the Durango! the Durango is aactually a decent veh... It sold 40,000 units less than the Journey? Are you fuc...

THE CHARGER!

Advertisement

What a phenomenal vehicle! Attractive, great engine lineup, handles well, shares a platform with a 1998 Mercedes, and it sold 5,000+ less than the Journey last year... Wait.... Uhh.... Ok? What is anything....

Challenger?

Advertisement

Fuck off its perfect.

Fiat

Advertisement

Flash round!

  • 500: Straight up tiny as fuck, people in the US don’t buy tiny cars.
  • 500X: Competes directly against the Renegade because it pretty much fucking is a Renegade... You just doubled a host of production costs for shit all of a sales increase. Good job.
  • 500L: Brand it as a RAM and sell it as a Taxi and you’d sell 100,000 per year. As a Fiat selling to people with eyes? Yea no one wants that shit.
  • 124: Great car, could’ve easily just branded it as a Dodge in the US and sold 5 times as many though...

Advertisement

Honestly if you just look at the number of engines they sell in the US though (like what I gave Ford such a hard time about) they don’t look so bad! All they have is the 1.4L, 1.4T, 2.4L, 3.2L, 3.6L, 5.7L, 6.2L SC, 6.4L, and the 6.7L Cummins. Where it gets a bit fucked is when you start looking at the apparent lack of quality control, market overlap, and the fact that they have 27 different models across all FCA brands in the US alone. Honestly how do you expect to maintain any level of quality when you’re stretching your resources that thin?

Look for my take on what their lineup should look like later today, let me know what you think below.

Disclaimer:It’s now 1:45am and the alcohol has officially started to wear off so I’m straight up not giving a shit at this point. Oh yea, I also grew up a Dodge truck fanboy and have a hard time talking critically about them. Get over it.