Yes, I did it. I watched Red Line. After having thought I had seen the worst car movie of all time, Superfast!, Red Line has topped it. This is a awful film.
For those privileged with not watching this movie, Red Line is about a underground street racing syndicate that attracts all of the high rollers of dubious origins. The movie seems to center around a car race that is a playground for the rich and famous. It features a lot of criminals and ladies in bikinis.
The movie begins with the street racing syndicate being challenged to get from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in 1 hour and 45 minutes. Then, the scene transitions to a rapper cameo purchasing a modded Ford GT for some underground race from Natasha, a master mechanic that we apparently learn about somehow.
The race commences and the GT gets impounded by the police. This literally has no bearing on the film at all. Then rapper cameo decides to enter what is perceived to be the movie defining super race with an SLR McLaren that he apparently had.
The movie enters a whole new level of stupid where in the feature race is between the SLR McLaren and a Diablo (which the SLR should easily win). Spoiler alert: After a F&F NOS transition, the Lambo wins then blows up after disregarding the laws of physics. The driver, Jason, dies in a odd sized explosion.
An hour into the movie and nothing makes any sense. The characters appear to have relationships with each other, but viewers don’t know how or why. There are so many fancy cars, helicopters, and loose women making every scene look like a rich loose polygamist sex compound.
About an hour and ten minutes into the film, the movie really starts. Yes, that’s right, much of the first hour of the film serves no purpose and could be deleted. The plot actually revolves around Natasha, a gifted racer and mechanic, who shys from the racing scene because of the death of her racecar driving father. After she agrees to participate in the first super race because the rapper cameo bribed her with 300k and a record deal, oh yeah, she is a singer too. Rapper cameo then decides to bet Natasha + cash to Michael, a rival gambler. Natasha loses because the pilot of the Hindenburg Diablo explodes across the line first.
Natasha is then abducted by Michael, an incompetent gambler on the verge of bankruptcy. Carlo, the brother of the guy killed in the Diablo crash saves her because they apparently know each other, but you are never told how or why. So like a rational person, Michael abducts Natasha’s mother, because that makes sense. Natasha is then forced to compete in the super-duper movie ending race with everything on the line. I won’t spoil the ending, but everyone dies and Carlo and Natasha all live happily ever after.
At the beginning of the movie we are introduced to many of the major characters. We learn a bit about them, but not enough to actually know anything.
Carlo - An Iraq war veteran and apparent super badass. He comes in a saves the day when bad things happen. He is motivated to avenge his brother’s death because Michael is an ass. He proceeds to do all of the things he said he wasn’t going to do in the beginning of the film.
Michael - An incompetent gambler made his wealth off illegal street racing. He has fallen on hard times and has resorted to kidnapping elderly people to get his way.
Natasha - Professional mechanic and racecar driver, her dad was killed in a racing crash because that is relevant for some reason.
Jason - I have no idea what role he plays. He is some boy racer trapped in his uncles mob syndicate. He dies so it doesn’t matter.
Infamous - This dude is a twat and serves no other purpose than being the other bad guy and a rapper cameo.
Jerry Brecken - One of the other members of the street racing syndicate. It is learned that he was a former racecar driver and he killed Natasha’s father! In revenge, she lets him win the race and receives a recording contract from him, because that’s how you treat the man that killed your dad and scarred you for life - wut?!
One thing this movie does have going for it is that the cars are down right impressive. Ferrari Enzo, Saleen S7s, Lamborghini Diablos, and more. Plenty to feast your eyes on. It is a shame that they destroy most of them for no reason.
What the movie did right?
The car list in this movie is quite impressive for how terrible it is. One thing I will give it credit for is the downfall of the antagonists was a neat idea. Most movies string out the events leading up to the big boss battle then have a quick and dirty resolution. Red Line actually draws the down fall of the antagonists pretty well, especially Michael. They have a slow agonizing fall from grace, analogous to the movie goers experience of this film.
What did the movie do wrong?
Literally everything. You could cut out 3/4 of the film and you wouldn’t change the story. Much of the film has no purpose. I want my 60 minutes back.
Should you watch it?
No - unless you want to watch it for the experience of seeing the worst car movie of all time, skip it. Even if you like exotics, all this movie does is destroy them.