So basically I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. I wouldn’t say I suffer from major depression, not to the level of being a real danger to myself or others. More likely a low level chronic dysthymia. Yes, I know, one should not self diagnose, but I’ve been trying to figure out what my damage is. For a while now, I’ve just been angry. Like all the time, at stupid things, I snap off easily. I don’t sleep well, even though I’m clearly “asleep” for long enough each night. I don’t find a lot of joy in anything, I just go through the motions. I have tons of half finished projects that need doing that I just drop in the middle, even if it’s like a 20 minute thing to just go do. I feel sad a lot, too, but not at anything.

I mean, it’s not like I’ve got a bad life. Or anything bad about it, really. I know I have a lot going on, with work, young kids, a grad school (which is a giant PITA that only serves to get me the degree, and nothing else) that’s a huge time suck. I have plenty of time to finish things up, just no motivation. I run through the motions at work, but it takes way longer than it should to knock things out. Even simple things.

I have no reason to feel this way. Well, I mean, not anything that should make me feel this way, which makes me feel worse. Ugh. I mean, I guess I can admit to some PTSD, but not so much in the way you would define it (thanks, internet) but I thought I worked through that. And maybe I’m holding on some guilt from things past. These are all things the internets say can be a root cause. Just rambling at this point.

I don’t want to roam around my life in a simmering rage. I don’t. I just feel like my life is being sapped away with my energy, and I’m mad about being mad, and it just gets worse because then I’m mad about it being stupid and...

ugh....