The time has come for me to purchase a new car, and I need all of your help to make sure I don’t end up spending $4000 on a Merkur X4Ti with no rear seats or door panels and a shot clutch. Now I hate to dump all this responsibility onto your shoulders, but you see, I lack common sense, I have no girlfriend to tell me no, and my parents are far too libertarian to tell me when I’m making a bad decision.

Now, let’s get to what I’ve found, and we should start by just pushing this out of the way first:

There is literally no reason for me to buy this truck. I don’t haul things. I don’t have a boat. I don’t remove tree stumps from my neighbor’s yards. I don’t chew dip and listen to country music. I hate the Confederate Flag. I’m not a construction worker. I’m not Jimbo the Gym Bro. I have not one Mossy Oak or JEGS sticker.

And yet I love almost everything about this truck. I love the Navistar Turbo Diesel, the halfway styled look of the exterior, the big rectangle tail lights, the 4WD, dual fuel tanks, everything. I am firmly in love with the idea of this truck, and it is the perfect representation of why I shouldn’t be allowed to car shop by myself.

So tell me why I shouldn’t buy this. Please.