Taking some inspiration from Mailbox Cancer and his unbelievably hilarious post about how to be a better pedestrian, I’d figure I’d compile a short list of tips to being a better driver.

1. I’m Pretty Sure Stop Means Stop, Unless Every Day Is Opposite Day in Your World, Asswipe

I live in California, but I’m sure what I’m about to say applies everywhere else in the States: Everyone either rolls through stop signs and red lights, or they don’t even do that and just go right through. There’s a good goddamn reason they’re there, and I’m sure the pedestrians you’re about to hit would appreciate you actually stopping BEHIND the line and not rolling over it and them in the process. It’s not hard, I’m able to do it and I like to drive in a hurry, so STOP the fuck up!

2. For the Love of God, Merge Onto the Freeway at Speeds, Dumbass

Nothing drives me crazier than when the idiot in front of me, usually the worst (read: slowest) people being in a Prius or other dumb hybrid, getting on the freeway at 25 MPH or slower, then I have to either floor it (when I’m driving the Mercedes) or downshift AGAIN (when I’m in the Golf) and go around your slow ass so I’m not going to be involved in the accident you’re about to cause.


3. If You Got to the Intersection First, Fucking Go! Don’t Wait For Me, Shit for Brains

I just had this happen today, I pulled up to an intersection and the idiot on the opposite side of the street had been there for more than a few moments, and after the asswipe in front of me didn’t bother slowing down for the stop sign and I pulled up, she waited for me! I had to wave her across and she thought I was being nice. As if! If you get to the intersection first, you’ve got dibs to go and get the hell out of my way.

4. Tailgating is Pointless, So Back the Fuck Off, Dumbfuck

I actually find it amusing to watch people tailgate others, especially since it gets you nowhere any quicker, and it causes you to use more gas and your brakes more. But, when people do it to me, oh how much fun that is. I don’t brake-check people, mainly because I don’t feel like getting arrested for murdering someone with the bottle of spray wax I have in my trunk, but also because it’s stupid and dangerous. I just slow down, then when they try and go around me, I speed up and prevent them from passing me. I know I am using more gas during this process, but it’s hilarious to see them get so pissed off and give up.


5. Don’t Get Pissed Off At Me Because I Anticipated Your Actions and Didn’t Let You Cut Me Off, Dickhead

Just because I pay attention and I know when you’re about to cut me off, don’t get pissed off at me when I don’t let you in because you decided to not wait your turn and decided to try and jump ahead, all while not signaling. So fuck off and cut off someone who isn’t paying attention so I can teach you another lesson when you try and tailgate me.

6. Speakerphone Is Not HANDSFREE for Christ Sake You Worthless Excuse for A Douchebag


Again, from California where we have a law in place that outlaws the use of a cellular device while driving unless you’re doing it hands free, not holding it in your hand on speakerphone! Put the goddamn phone down and focus on driving, you are nowhere near the skill level where you’re allowed to multitask. I’m a pretty good driver, and I don’t even like to talk and drive, even when I’m using Bluetooth, so just put the phone down you moron.

7. Use You're Motherfucking Turn Signals, You Know, That Thingy Next to Your Steering Wheel Collecting Dust, You Hopeless Being

Cars are equipped with turn signals for a reason, they're there to let me know what you want to do so I don't have to remember my mind reading class from high school that I failed because I realized I actually don't want to know what's going on inside your head, the emptiness frightens me. Thanks Automatch-the Avanthusiast


8. For the Sake of All That's Holy and Just in this World, Pick a Speed and Maintain It, You Asshat

This is not very difficult, just pick a speed, and focus on maintaining that speed. By doing so, you will save yourself the trouble of getting cut off or passed by people who are fed up with your lackluster throttle control skills. If your car came equipped with cruise control, use it, if only to preserve my sanity and every other sane person on the road. Cruise control is not difficult to master, and if it is, well then you probably shouldn't be driving, but then, a lot of people shouldn't, so don't feel so bad. Thanks NeonKnight