It’s the eve of “unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative, and shallow interpretation of romance” day!! Today’s budget will be dependent on what the average male spends yearly on condoms!

According to an article and where I found it on Reddit, “the average frequency of sexual intercourse in the US is 112 times per year (age 18–29), 86 times per year (age 30–39), and 69 times per year (age 40–49)“.

Fitting this to extend the age to the 60-69 year age group and interpolating results in {112, 86, 69, 52, 39} times per year.

Multiplying that by the number of years covered (no pun intended) per frequency group yields {1344, 860, 690, 520, 390}, for a total average condom use from 18 to 69 years of age of 3804.”

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Let’s suppose you’ve somehow made it to 69 with all these condoms still packed because you have no confidence, couldn’t make it with that certain someone, couldn’t convince yourself to get a prostitute, or you look like Danny Divito (and even he’s gotten lucky, YOU just suck). At a hypothetical price of $3.95 per single condom, because quality or some shit, you’ve sold them all to more attractive individuals and made about $15k. You realize the only thing that’ll give you pleasure and a false sense of love is a car. WHAT WILL YOU BUY YOU 69-YEAR OLD VIRGIN?!?

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I’m gonna get myself into the cleanest and earliest 928 I can find and drive it until I die alone; preferably inside the car.

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YOUR TURN. Choose wisely now, you only have $15k. And remember to use the right size tire before you hit the Tail of The Dragon, you ingrates.