Buckle up folks cause this list of maladies reads like one of those crazy person string maps in a crime drama:

First things first: I have a dead bulb. I have had four dead taillight bulbs in six months. I’m pretty sure the moisture seals on the units have failed. I could swap in the OEM ones that came with the car but they are pre-facelift and dated as all hell. Currently looking for a good deal on a new pair of Taiwanese knock-off facelift ones.

I’s also got no ABS or DSC because of a bad wheel speed sensor. I know which one and have a replacement but the wheel I need to remove has seized lugs. I have no access to power tools and I can’t use a breaker bar with the car’s included lug wrench.

If and when that wheel comes off I have to throw the spare on after and drop the wheel off to get a slow leak fixed.

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I’m pretty sure the CEL is for the vehicle speed sensor (cruise control stopped working at the same time) but I can’t verify

BECAUSE

No scantool is currently able to connect to the ECU! Joy of joys! I’ve tried three different ones.

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I want to say this is due to the sunroof leak that I’ve been ignoring because it’s too scary to try to fix myself and I can’t afford to have a shop do it.

I’ve felt moisture where my feet go after some torrential rain recently so I need to pull the lower dash panel off and inspect the OBD port for corrosion.

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I have an airbag light that I can’t scan. See above issue.

Car is also way overdue for state inspection due to the aformentioned airbag light. Luckily the local cops are pretty chill.

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Also my headlight auto-adjusters are broken and I need to replace pretty much all the accessory pulleys because they’re getting quite loud.

Then there’s that thing with the AC condensor fan I posted about last week. Gotta replace that before the weather gets hot and it needs to run all the time.

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Before I do that job though I’m casually looking for a new front bumper because mine is split. Removing it is part of the fan job so might as well kill two birds.

WELCOME TO GERMAN CAR OWNERSHIP

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ETA: My phone does this thing where it scans image content and auto-tags images with what it thinks is relevant. My dash light pic got tagged as “Holidays" because even my phone thinks it looks like a Christmas tree!