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Snack Review: Lärabar

Illustration for article titled Snack Review: Lärabar
Image: bing.com/nocheese4u

Background:

I like to indulge in small individually wrapped rectangular snacks while doing Outdoor Lifestyle (tm) activities. Occasionally I’ll mix it up and get something different, because variety is good. I purchased a box of the Apple Pie variety, and paid around $5 for a 6 pack of them.

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What is it:

The Original Fruit & Nut Food Bar.

How many diet buzzwords does it have listed to ensure that I’m not offended by one of the ingredients:

Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Soy Free, Non-GMO, Vegan, Kosher.

What’s actually in it then since there’s not a whole lot of options left:

Only 6 ingredients! Dates, Almonds, Unsweetened Apples, Walnuts, Raisins, Cinnamon.

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Tell me about how the company was founded:

Lara (no umlaut) went hiking in CO and came up with the idea to smash some fruit and nuts together into a small rectangle shape, which was initially called the Larabar (no umlaut). After several iterations, she realized that the marketing was kinda weak and needed some.... zazzz... and thus the Lärabar (with umlaut!) was created. She then sold out to General Mills a few years later and is now retired, except for appearing in marketing videos to tell the company story.

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What does it taste like:

Surprisingly good. It’s mainly apples and cinnamon, with a little bit of aftertaste that everything that is naturally sweetened by dates and raisins has. Not too sweet, honestly just right. You can tell there isn’t sugar and high-fructose corn syrup and all other manor of artificial stuff. Despite the natural-ness and goddam hippie enviro-wanking of the product marketing, there’s just as much packaging (box & wrappers) as every other competing bar-food.

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What does it look like once you take all of the packaging off:

This is where things turn.... not good. There’s really no other way to describe it - it looks like a compacted turd. Below is a representation:

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Illustration for article titled Snack Review: Lärabar
Image: Wikipedia.com/leavethelightsout

It’s really off putting. It doesn’t smell bad - just apples and cinnamon - it doesn’t taste bad, but it looks awful and gross.

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Who should buy them:

You are on a fad diet that restricts all of the good ingredients (like cows) for whatever reason. Or you are blind. Or you live in a cave. Or you live somewhere else that is devoid of light. Or you go camping a lot and always forget to bring batteries for the flashlight. Essentially you need to be able to eat it without looking at it, and it’s fine then.

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