photocredit: theodysseyonline via google image search
photocredit: theodysseyonline via google image search

Years ago I lived on a private road that wound through some dense woods, but it was mostly flat, and importantly, single lane but two-way. This means you just can’t go very fast because a) there are driveways every 50-100 feet, b) there are trees JUST off the pavement on both sides and c) you never know when someone might be coming the other way and one of you needs to pull off into a driveway to allow the other to pass. This road also mostly serves summer-only homes as it is near a lake.

Well, one summer the residents all chipped in to have the thing re-paved, about $1,000 per home for a total of around $25k. Now suddenly it’s smooth and people are going faster. Two residents - summer only residents, by the way - decided to take matters into their own hands and purchase two speed bumps. One was placed right AFTER the first guy’s driveway (Jay) and the other, naturally, just after the second guy’s driveway (Louie). So Jay didn’t have to drive over any; Louie only one. How convenient.

Well, this did not sit well with others; in particular I lived there year-round, so this guy comes in June, then decides to ruin our investment in a smooth road by installing these things without so much as asking anyone but his buddy. Well, guess what? They didn’t fasten them at all so every time we drove by (along with several other residents) we threw the speed bumps into the woods. And every day, these vigilantes were hauling them out of the woods and putting them back.

One day, we go to remove one and it’s like, glued down to the road. But not very well, so up it came. And away it went. We... “made it disappear” once and for all.


Days later, a letter is stuck in everyone’s front doors from one of the more reasonable residents, basically saying, please drive slowly and also please do not modify the road surface we all just invested in without consulting EVERYONE FIRST. To this day, I speed up just to go by these two houses, then slow back down.

There’s also one particularly sharp corner in this road where a puddle would form, then a pothole, over time. So it should be filled, right? Well, one day half a dozen FOOTBALL SIZED ROCKS are lining the inside of this corner like so many cones on an autocross course, presumably to keep people from cutting it tightly. Well guess what? What about a large truck? Or a boat trailer? Lots of residents haul trailers on this road, remember, it’s near a lake. What about if it’s dark and rainy and you move inside to avoid an oncoming car, because remember it’s one lane but two-way?

There’s also a guy on the road who, while grumpy and old, had nothing to do with the rocks or the speed bumps. But he did have a late model 911. Can you imagine his fury if he had clipped these rocks with the front of his 911 unsuspectingly one night? I can see him carrying one of these rocks right up to the guy’s front door and holding it over his head, waiting for someone to open it....

So yup, round two. Rocks in the woods, back the next day, rocks a little farther into the woods, BIGGER rocks back this time, then rocks disappeared. I bet you can guess whose house was adjacent to this corner. Right, a Speed Bump Vigilante. Finally, one day, the hole is filled with a nice ledgepack material, and has remained that way since.


I have other stories about these guys, but this is long enough already.

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