Oppo, let me paint you a picture. A portrait of a Simple Man™ who likes his women young, his flags secessionary, and his ‘Murican SUVs crappy.

I often find myself in morning traffic with this fella. We share a commute for a good 5 miles. Me in my Jetta, he in his base model Dodge Nitro.

Sorry for the uber-crappy potato pic, but apparently this dude is too cool for stop signs. He slowed to maybe 10mph before rolling on through, thus dashing my hopes of getting a clear shot.

Let me describe this gentleman and his chariot. Mr. Classy is white and looks to be in his early-mid 50s. You could say that his neck appears to be the same color as a nice, cold can of Schmidt.

His Nitro is adorned with a wonderful amount of AutoZone fake chrome and some delightful bumper stickers, which are outlined below:

  • Just under the high-mount light is the obligatory Skynyrd sticker.
  • To the left on the glass is the silhouette of a young woman bending over, accompanied by the phrase “Dodge the father, ram the daughter.”
  • To the right on the glass is another silhouette of a young woman, this time sitting down as if to say “Come hither, you sexy racist.”
  • Along the bumper we have 5 stickers. Three of them are Confederate flags (this guy lives in Iowa...). The other two are—you guessed it—female silhouettes. This time they’re accompanied by the highly dubious claim that “She likes me for my Nitro”.

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I salute you, Simple Man. Here’s hoping your charming bumper stickers attract plenty of help when your Nitro eventually strands you on the side of the road.