If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Star Trek 2 The best one!

Yesterday I decided to have some fun writing about what if’s in the Star Trek universe. What if Kirk wasn’t a big giant douche and let Captain Decker do the job he selected him for? Well, it probably would have been awful for fictional humanity, thankfully today we get to see what happened when Kirk isn’t a jerk and is just Captain Kirk the badass. The Wrath of Khan is a beloved movie for a reason and I love it with all the feels my heart can provide. This movie kicks ass.

First I want to address my own mess ups and some of the cool stuff people brought to the conversation. Jonee pointed out that the Enterprise didn’t get the A model identifier until after it got blowed up in Star Trek 3. Then Not in Detroit but still plans to drive on snow tires in july got me on that too but pointed out that there is no way the original Enterprise, designation NCC-1701 could have been modded to become the movie version without a comprehensive re-construction. I’m gonna call this a nerd draw, I hope everyone is okay with that. But lets get in on some Wrath of Khan awesomeness!!!!


Yeah, I’m talking about this guy, hooh boy he’s been a bit of a controversial character especially of late. First lets talk about the character. He was written as a genetically engineered super human who is both strong and super smooth. He was part conqueror of earth and part terrorist as he was written in the original series. He was frozen, along with his compatriots in suspended animation and was encountered by the original Enterprise crew while floating around in a disabled spaceship. Kirk and co. handily deal with him and maroon him on a planet never to worry about him again (that was the plan at least).

In the film Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan he’s brought back to the fray after the starship USS Reliant stumbles upon him while conducting a survey for scientists working on project Genesis. Lets take a small step back here and explore the Genesis project because the people involved are incredibly important to James Kirk’s story.


Dr. Carol Marcus is Kirks ex Bey and also his baby mama. I always found it strange that there was no allusion to her or their son from TOS (at least that I noticed, please correct me if I’m wrong) but it works in this movie if you just don’t question the fact that Kirk is a big ‘ol manslut and was too busy to give a crap about his now adult, highly educated, and very successful kid. Speaking of the kid...


Meet David! Hunky I know. Come on Kirk, you could have taught him to be a manslut too! Poor parenting, he’s way too nice in this movie. Carol and David have created a crazy technological marvel called the Genesis device. It’s basically a photon torpedo that seeds life with the primary drawback that it kills absolutely everything before it does so. It’s basically like a restart button on your NES but more deadly.

The dynamic duo of Carol and David are trying to find a place to test their hyper deadly life creating thing and Starfleet has assigned the Reliant to help them find a suitable life devoid planetoid to do so. Here’s where the film kind of deviates from the course assigned by the previous movie. The crew of the Enterprise has been split up again. Spock is training Kirstie Alley to do, something. Chekhov is on the Reliant. Kirk is an Admiral again and not in command of the Enterprise, again. Somehow the Enterprise is now a training vessel but most of the original crew is still doing the same jobs they’ve been doing for approximately ever. Whatever, it’s a movie.


Honestly this film feels like a soft re-boot of the film series. It’s like they acknowledged that the first movie was too high brow sci-fi so lets go do a cold war submarine action movie instead! Well it worked.

Surprise! Kirk takes command and all the original crew members snap into position pretty quickly after the Reliant is taken over by Khan and his surfer dude minions. They captured the Genesis device but Khan is PISSED and wants to take it out on Kirk for screwing him over so hard back in the ‘60s. They engage in some brilliant tactics that leaves the Enterprise hobbled and it runs away into a nebula where nobodies sensors work. This results in some exceptionally tight suspenseful action sequences and makes for some of the best Star Trek ever. The Enterprise ends up crippled and Spock throws himself to the radioactive dogs to save the ship and dies resulting in a famous sequence where he proclaims his friendly love for Kirk.


Yeah, I said it. SPOCK FUCKING DIES!!! He’s not brought back to life by magic Khan blood or force fairies or rainbow farting unicorns. He’s fucking dead. D-e-d. Dead. Good movie.


Tune in tomorrow to find out what happens! (I’m pretty sure you all know how this goes but I like cliffhangers)

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