Just look at that movie poster art. That’s some good stuff! The Enterprise is on fire juxtaposed with Kirk looking all manly and, hey! Is that Doc Brown as a Klingon? Yes! Yes it is! This movie looks pretty good right? WRONG! This is a terrible movie! It’s existence is an insult to the entire Star Trek franchise! As much as I love Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan I equally, reciprocally, hate this piece of poopy diaper barf. Yeah, poop references. I went there. This movie DESERVES it!

We are left at the end of the previous film with some pretty cool stuff. Kirk and the crew got whooped and clawed their way back to victory. It had action! It had drama! It had revenge muahhhahahaha! That movie was awesome. The exclamation point on it’s badass nature was that Spock sacrificed himself to save everyone. That’s good Spocking Spock. There is a reason why he is a fan favorite. Dude is LEGIT! But that leaves the franchise at a problem. Everyone loves Spock, he can’t actually be dead right? Well thankfully nobody is actually dead in science fiction and this film’s only reason for existing is to bring him back. Normally I would support this concept but this movie is so fucking lazy about absolutely EVERYTHING it tries to do I am having trouble mustering the keystrokes to even review it. This movie is apathy incarnate.

If you payed attention to the last movie there was this super gnarly deadly creation device called Genesis (not so subtle reference to humans playing god, this is a Star Trek staple). Khan manages to grab it away from Kirk and Starfleet and ultimately detonates the thing in a last ditch effort to kamikaze kill Kirk. It doesn’t work but it DOES spur Spock into action to fix the Enterprise’s warp drive by radioactively frying himself. Some may call it poetic that the Genesis device becomes the reason that Spock could be resurrected, I guess the writers probably had this in their minds and it does make sense. I’m not annoyed by that at all. This movie, this fucking movie though. Ugh. It is a mess.

I’ll summarize the movie with all the details you need to know. The Genesis device that Khan blew up created a planet, and Starfleet has deemed it off limits to everyone other than researchers. Somehow Spock transferred his consciousness into Dr. McCoy and he starts talking to Kirk back on Earth. I have to give credit to DeForest Kelley here, he nails the dead-eyed zombie spock act. This guy had chops, RIP. So Kirk and the Enterprise crew STEAL the fucking Enterprise to go get Spock back. Why the fuck would a Starfleet Admiral and a highly decorated crew have to steal a starship and how shitty is Starfleets security to let a bunch of olds jack their flagship!? What the fucking hell movie? David Marcus (Kirks kid) and Lt. Saavik (not Kirstie Alley anymore, boo) are back on the Genesis planet and stumble upon Spocks torpedo-casket and realize that somehow the planet resurrected his body, only he’s a kid. Well that’s pretty much the entire movie with the exception of the Klingons...

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Why the fuck would you bother to cast Christopher fucking Lloyd as a villain and then make him a dunderheaded weak ass loser! The Klingons in this movie are terrible! They have apparently been snooping around in cloak mode watching David and Saavik poke around the planet before the Enterprise shows up. Once it does they attack (because of course, Klingons always attack) and disable the Enterprise. The only logical conclusion of course is for Kirk to blow the ship up. Wait, wut? Kirk blows up the Enterprise? What the hell again movie!?

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This leads me to my absolute most hated moment in Star Trek film. I cannot explicitly state how this scene makes me feel because the anger would probably melt my computer screen if I were to unleash it. Suffice to say, this is a really bad movie moment. Okay, I’m breathing deeply, here we go.

Vulcans are supposed to be super-human strong physically and super-human disciplined mentally right? Can we agree on that? Then WHY THE FUCK DOES DAVID HAVE TO DEFEND SAAVIK AND DIE!!!!??? I don’t even like that guy but this moment seems so deliberate to elicit a GASP moment from the audience that it is completely LAUGHABLE!!! Then we get Kirk going full Shatner (never go full Shatner) and cursing out all of Klingon-manity for killing his son who he didn’t even realized existed until a very short time ago. It ultimately results in a sequence where Kirk kicks Doc Brown over a cliff into lava (I’m literally laughing about typing this sentence) and proclaiming “I’ve.... Had Enough.... Of YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” ROFLMAO. I’m just done with this movie.

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So Spock is back but he’s a little bit weird. That’s it for this one. Save the Whales comes tomorrow!