Stranded in Erie, PA on a Cross Country Roadtrip

My friend goes to University of Vermont and lives in Boulder, CO (where I go to school). I live in Denver (at least for the summer). So he flew me out to NYC and he met up with me there. So we walked around NYC for a couple days, saw the sights, etc, and stayed with his grandfather in the city. When it was time to leave, we took a train to Westchester and got his 2000 Honda CR-V from his friend’s house. From there, we drove to Niagara Falls and saw the sights there. Meanwhile, the car is misfiring on all 4 cylinders, idling at 300rpm, and running incredibly rich. Yet my friend didn’t seem to think it’s a big deal (it’s been doing this for 9 months but he didn’t take proper action to get it fixed). We were getting 19mpg highway on 93 octane, driving conservatively (doing ~75mph and driving such that the auto trans doesn’t shift down for more power) for 600 miles. Finally my friend’s dad talked some sense into him and said we need to take it in to be fixed. So we did. Replaced the distributor/cap/rotor and now the car won’t start, even with the old distributor/cap/rotor. We spent the night in a motel here in Erie and had the car towed to Bianchi Honda this morning. It’s been in the service bay for an hour now and after talking with the mech (20+ years experience working on Hondas), we’ve established that we’re getting spark and fuel but absolutely no compression on any cylinder (checked with a dial gauge). So he poured a bit of oil in the cylinders to lube the piston rings but that still yielded zero compression. The mech is on lunch now and he’ll be back working on the car in an hour. At this point he’s thinking it’s bent valves or skipped timing. It’s a long way to Denver...

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