You better watch a bunch of Best Motoring first because frankly, this is going to be really deep.

No, seriously, watch Best Motoring. You haven’t done that yet and you really should.

Alright. le sigh. Here goes...

This is why I’m more terrified if my alumni friends ACTUALLY replyon Messenger instead of just being “seen”, because holy fuck what would I say? I’ve shut myself in from most every social interaction after my aunt’s stroke because I’m the only one who can stay in the house for a time, took a small job in a shoe brand’s outlet store, and that’s it. Add to that the fact that I held off on college just to keep expenses down (meaning I lost basically the most ideal way to hang out with people my age), and it leaves me with reference points four years removed from what they are now, and once I got back in college, I sit with kids about 3-6 years older than I am (21), all having vastly different tastes. And because the Philippines run on Facebook, staying off it for four years really made it seem like I’ve been out for good.

Now, thing is, I’ve since accepted that I’m never gonna be in some group of people, because I’ve seen that thing happen to me. You know when in a class and there’s a definite split between a group of students and others based on interests or even gender? Not once was I a part of that. I never fit in. And I was indifferent about it, at times all fine about it—by the time I got to high school I was the one person all my classmates turn to for the problems not even the kids smarter than I am can do. I’ve since accepted that kind of setup (in a way, I’m their commonality despite being in no clique), and have used it to my advantage, even. But even with that, I still manage to invite them to my place for my 15th birthday, and also got invited to my friend’s place for videoke night a week before graduation. Even if I’m the odd one out, I still get around.

After being forced back on Facebook, I thought of the brilliant plan of randomly chatting some of my old classmates, just to see if they’d reply. I went in knowing they won’t answer—after all, I wasn’t that much of a friend to these folk—so it did petrify me when someone did. And some more. I out the idea of in-person meetings forward. That’s still up in the air. But some of them did show up on my 21st birthday, which made me really happy.

Still, loneliness hits me in bursts, usually when I wind up going home from school early without realizing that maybe my new classmates are hanging out somewhere, or when I get an invite from some old friends only to back out because of my VSD or because our schedules don’t match. Catching up and fitting in only seemed to accentuate how alone I am, and that does make me lonely, but everytime I check Jalopnik or Oppo or LaLD I go: “ah yes, home”. Maybe it’s because they were my only real online community for the better part of four years before late June 2018.

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Maybe I can sneak in a few more meetings with people—the college sports festival is a good way to have some fun—but so far, Kurzgesagt’s video made me look inward and think of why I seem to be so... inert as a person. I’m a MacGuffin. I have friends, but points in my life do lead me to think that I still don’t belong with them. Boarding the train home gives me no solace, because at the back of my mind, I feel like most folks who hope give a damn don’t give a damn. Maybe it’s the way I talk...how I talk...what I talk about...there’s no one else to give me feedback without being a condescending arsewipe like my bloody parents. Going down a level, socially speaking, makes me uncomfortable; going up is too exhausting. What else is there left to do than keep trying, keep tuning? Maybe I hit the spot by then.